Don't worry. I'm not drinking to avoid life. Just to avoid taking yours.

If you had put half the energy into fucking me as you do fucking with me, we'd still be fucking.

Nurse: Do you smoke? Me: Could you be more specific?

I went to Borders today & moved Sarah Palin's books to the comedy section. Again.

I count on my vagina sucking you in before my crazy chases you away.

A stray cat I fed a few days ago left a dead bird at my door. Like I'm gonna eat that.

There are no small boobs. Only ninja boobs.

Quickest way to get my dog to take a dump is to have a hot guy say hello to me.

Every time you RT me, I slap my ass with a riding crop. Because I earned it.

I just found an old pair of Dockers khakis. Kinda weird since I don't remember being a lesbian.

No you may not name your baby Luke if you don't know who the daddy is. That's child abuse.

This Valentines day, show her you care. Aim for her face, not for the hair.

I'm happy to accept this orgasm on your behalf.

It's cute when people who don't get high say they enjoyed brunch.

"Just don't fart. Just don't fart. Just don't fart." My massage mantra.

No one who works for you should ever have access to your toothbrush.

I broke a nail. Do I shoot just that finger or, do I have to kill the whole hand?

In my younger and more vulnerable years, my father gave me some advice... Never moon a werewolf.

It's time for Italy to report the Olive Garden for slander.

There are no old grapes, only aspiring raisins.