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Smoking may cause cancer, but it cures ham.
The Death Star destroyed the right planet, but for Alderaan reasons.
How do you even get a permit to build a city on rock and roll?
Distracting a fat guy is a piece of cake.
I wrote a book on cats. In retrospect, I should have used paper, cause chapter six got hit by a car.
My Halloween costume is "Godot." I'm not showing up at the party, just texting the host every 10 minutes that I'm "on my way."
I heard he's dating a vegetarian, but I never met herbivore.
What's the right age to tell a highway it's adopted?
It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Doctor reaches behind his ear to grab his pencil, and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Looks at and says, "Shit. Some asshole has my pencil."
Funny new trend at the office. People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.
If anaphylactic shock is wrong, I don't wanna bee bite.
I heard Mayan calendars are selling like there's no tomorrow.
People who live in plexiglass houses get knocked unconscious by their own rocks.
"GRAAAAAINS!" -Vegan Zombies
Shame on Santorum for terminating his campaign. It was a gift from God. He should make the best of a bad situation and carry it to term.
If you're compulsive and you know it, wash your hands.
I'd probably be a shitty optimist.
I can solve Rubik's Cube in fifteen seconds with six cans of spray paint.
Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.
Lead Writer, The Elder Scrolls Online. (I don't have Tourette's, I swear!)