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Smoking may cause cancer, but it cures ham.
The Death Star destroyed the right planet, but for Alderaan reasons.
How do you even get a permit to build a city on rock and roll?
Distracting a fat guy is a piece of cake.
I wrote a book on cats. In retrospect, I should have used paper, cause chapter six got hit by a car.
My Halloween costume is "Godot." I'm not showing up at the party, just texting the host every 10 minutes that I'm "on my way."
I heard he's dating a vegetarian, but I never met herbivore.
What's the right age to tell a highway it's adopted?
I wrote a book on cats. In retrospect, I should have used paper. Yesterday chapter six got hit by a car.
It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
Doctor reaches behind his ear to grab his pencil, and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Looks at and says, "Shit. Some asshole has my pencil."
Funny new trend at the office. People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.
If anaphylactic shock is wrong, I don't wanna bee bite.
That embarrassing moment when you show up for work in your Borg outfit and realize nobody else dressed up for Cyber Monday.
I heard Mayan calendars are selling like there's no tomorrow.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It's the bottom of Beethoven's 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
People who live in plexiglass houses get knocked unconscious by their own rocks.
"GRAAAAAINS!" -Vegan Zombies
Shame on Santorum for terminating his campaign. It was a gift from God. He should make the best of a bad situation and carry it to term.
If you're compulsive and you know it, wash your hands.
Video Game Designer, Screenwriter, Television Writer, and Novelist.
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