Smoking may cause cancer, but it cures ham.

The Death Star destroyed the right planet, but for Alderaan reasons.

How do you even get a permit to build a city on rock and roll?

Distracting a fat guy is a piece of cake.

I wrote a book on cats. In retrospect, I should have used paper, cause chapter six got hit by a car.

My Halloween costume is "Godot." I'm not showing up at the party, just texting the host every 10 minutes that I'm "on my way."

I heard he's dating a vegetarian, but I never met herbivore.

What's the right age to tell a highway it's adopted?

It's all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

Doctor reaches behind his ear to grab his pencil, and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Looks at and says, "Shit. Some asshole has my pencil."

Funny new trend at the office. People are putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Bob.

If anaphylactic shock is wrong, I don't wanna bee bite.

I heard Mayan calendars are selling like there's no tomorrow.

People who live in plexiglass houses get knocked unconscious by their own rocks.

"GRAAAAAINS!" -Vegan Zombies

Shame on Santorum for terminating his campaign. It was a gift from God. He should make the best of a bad situation and carry it to term.

If you're compulsive and you know it, wash your hands.

I'd probably be a shitty optimist.

I can solve Rubik's Cube in fifteen seconds with six cans of spray paint.

Hooters should start a home delivery service and call it Knockers.