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"There are more chickens than people in the world."
No shit? We eat buckets of them. BUCKETS.
The problem is that you are so open-minded your fucking brain has fallen out.
My life is a constant battle between the need to masturbate and the need to drink beer.
Roses are red, Violets are red, Everything is red, Ocular Haemorrhage
Awkward moment when 3 of the women I've fucked were in the same room. Only took them 5 minutes to realise I paid them all different prices.
My girlfriend is complaining that once again I'm drinking alone. She doesn't understand that I'm drinking with the internet.
I drink too much to quit my job.
On my birthday I choked my girlfriend unconscious during sex so I could play video games
Just ejaculated in a woman's face and shouted out "Now that's Kafkaesque" Seems my literature degree is good for confusing whores on the bus
I'm unemployed, broke, and doing nothing about a decade long drink problem. Ladies, please form an orderly queue.
Friend: I just had my first gay experience at the bar.
Me: Where do your gay experiences usually happen?
F: I fucking hate talking to you.
If a man DMs me a cock picture but it's flaccid, is he insulting me or being vulnerable?
The GF hates that I use my fingers to make her smell her own bum hole. Joke is on her though, it's really my bum hole.
"Do I like to drink? Does a bear shit in the pope's hat while fisting fucking the prophet Mohammed?" I said in my disciplinary while naked.
Do not under any circumstances place your genitals on a mirror and then stare at them while on LSD. My cock folded through space time.
My friend's mum telling a room full of family she is leaving her husband because he only wants anal is the best drunken confession Ive seen.
Got caught saying "Nice arse" under my breath by a woman standing in front of me. Avoided awkwardness by explaining I meant her young son.
Retweet me or the bitch next door gets it. Or don't, either way I'm fucking next door's pet.
when I was a boy I used to punch girls I liked. Now that I'm a man I hit them with a hammer.
"I'm a nice girl who doesn't do drugs". No, what you mean is "I'm a girl who doesn't buy her own drugs." You want a line I expect something!
My real name is a good and strong Christian name, but I was born out of wedlock so it evens out.