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I have this theory that when one of my tweets gets a star, it will mean I've reached godliness and can quit my job.
"Heres the dept where the magic happens. That magic is what we use to kill your hopes dreams and amibition." - My workplace orientation tour
Oh boy. I have butterflies in my stomach. I'll have to see if I can't drown them with something...
"Can I have a root beer float for breakfast, ma? -- Well, okay. But have an extra Lucky Strike before lunch." -Parenting in the 1930s
Which level of hell is it where they play christian music non-stop again? #IThinkIMightBeInIt
I know I started my Tumblr blog for myself, but it would be nice if these prostitutes were real people reading it. Thanks 2 real followers:D
I always thought kick-the-can was how poor people played soccer in the street, and today I learned something.
In the future somebody will look back on my insane ramblings and consider me a scholar or a daguerrotype, b/c no one will know what that is.
The Chronicles of Nunavut #lessinterestingbooks
there's something poetic about filing through all your pandora stations, to realize all you want to listen to is the birds at sunset.
When I become King, I will set mandatory times of day when everyone must have an ice cream sandwich... or else. #CakeWillBeOptional
young "professionals" who think they know everything about anything in particular really get under my skin. Especially when they do it wrong
Secretary Hilary Clinton has 24, 516 followers and ZERO tweets. I don't think I can trust a person with that kind of ratio.
The Root of All People #BadHairSalonNames
Deciding whether I want to go running today or not get mugged. Decisions... Decisions...
Im growing a Salvador Dali mustache so I can amuse my friends and confuse my adversaries (AKA Salvador Dali and Herbert Hoover respectively)
really I'm just looking for someone with the same chips on their shoulder. #romance #AboutMe
If I buy Axe and get some hair action, all my problems will go away and i'll finally be happy like the actor on their payroll.
Nice handbasket God. Does this go directly to Hell or will I have a couple stops along the way? Oh also thanks for shitting on my life. FU
I wish I had one of those gossipy social neighbors who sound like Eva Gabor and always drop by unannounced with cakes and other baked goods.
Don't talk to me. I have a habit of making people cry. Okay, talk to me. Lemons are my animal spirit guides. I ate a baby. Everything is stupid. Etcetera.