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Warning: Twitter may be just for shits and giggles, but you accidentally meet the most amazing people.
Single women think that marriage will solve their problems.
I used to look down on homeless people until it dawned on me that whilst I'm at work, they're getting drunk. Who's the loser now?
Dance like no one is watching.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Fuck me like a bee just flew into your hair.
Write tweet, delete tweet, re-write tweet, post tweet, realise it's not funny, delete tweet, wank, post tweet about wanking, laugh, repeat.
I've figured out how to make money with twitter.
Delete my account and do my actual job.
I have 3 states of drunkenness:
1. I think I can dance.
2. I think I can sing.
3. I think my wife would LOVE surprise butt sex.
Blondes only think they have more fun due to their inability to accurately analyse statistical data.
Currently stuffing cold mashed potato into an envelope addressed to Africa.
Why? Because stubborn parenting is how I roll.
If crunk means 'crazy drunk' then tonight I might crasturbate.
"Daddy, what's a Donkey Punch?" is exactly the reason why my child shouldn't be reading twitter over my shoulder.
Silence Of The Lambs taught me the importance of moisturizing.
You know what really goes with tequila?
Good drugs make you more relaxed and help you write funny tweets. Great drugs make you stare at your iPhone & think "What the fuck is this?"
You're hot, but you're not 'hold in a fart on the first date' hot.
I'm not saying my school was racist but when we played 'Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?' everyone just pointed at the black kid.
I don't get unfollowed.
I have an open door and people come and go as they please.
"Listen very carefully, because I'm only going to say this 842 times."
-Me to my kids, apparently.
Sure the cops in New Zealand don't carry guns, but when they use their angry voice it really hurts your feelings.
I'm a little bit country, she's a little bit emotionally manipulative.
Some people have really funny bios. I don't.