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I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
The sweater I'm wearing is for fags. Didn't realize it until someone was polite enough to scream it from a passing car.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
"No Homo." - homeless Mexican
It's not delivery, it's Caesarean.
One day, all the Toyota Highlanders are going to have to fight to the death.
Hey N. Korea, testing nuclear weapons is SO 70 years ago. - USA
I like to go to Victoria Secrets, and when the sales girl asks, "are you shopping for someone?" Say NO and then not break eye contact.
For every pair of Tom's shoes you buy, an child in Africa get a pair of shoes. Inedible, undrinkable shoes...
Hey Snack Mix, calm the fuck down with the pretzels.
Thanking God AND Jesus... Beiber forgot about the Holy Spirit. see you in hell Beibzzz.
I wish all the girls that wouldn't date me in high school knew how good my fantasy football team was.
My father was a workaholic. He would stagger through our door, stinking of workahol. It was sad really, but we didnt know it was a disease.
Fox News is on suicide watch.
The interior of the new Cadillac STS is so quiet your grandpa won't ever hear the scream of his vehicular manslaughter victims.
Why do we lose an hour on Saturday night? Can't it wait until Monday at 4pm.
Redbull, Sudafed, and then some whiskey. I'm just making the meth in my stomach. No laws against that.
If you're in a library, use your inside jokes.
A little girl just told me her dog is going to die, "because he's old and doesn't poop much." You guys, I think I'm about to die too.
Comedian. Oklahoman. One of http://Mandatory.com's 50 people on Twitter you should be following (with under 10K followers).