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The sweater I'm wearing is for fags. Didn't realize it until someone was polite enough to scream it from a passing car.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
One day, all the Toyota Highlanders are going to have to fight to the death.
I like to go to Victoria Secrets, and when the sales girl asks, "are you shopping for someone?" Say NO and then not break eye contact.
Hey @chrissyteigen wanna be my date for an upcoming military ball? If yes, let me know ASAP, because I'll have to join the military.
Thanking God AND Jesus... Beiber forgot about the Holy Spirit. see you in hell Beibzzz.
For every pair of Tom's shoes you buy, an child in Africa get a pair of shoes. Inedible, undrinkable shoes...
My father was a workaholic. He would stagger through our door, stinking of workahol. It was sad really, but we didnt know it was a disease.
I wish all the girls that wouldn't date me in high school knew how good my fantasy football team was.
Why do we lose an hour on Saturday night? Can't it wait until Monday at 4pm.
Redbull, Sudafed, and then some whiskey. I'm just making the meth in my stomach. No laws against that.
White people holding "Hispanics 4 Mitt" signs... They couldn't find a hispanic to pay to do that?
A little girl just told me her dog is going to die, "because he's old and doesn't poop much." You guys, I think I'm about to die too.
Comedian. Oklahoman.
