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I like to go to Victoria Secrets, and when the sales girl asks, "are you shopping for someone?" Say NO and then not break eye contact.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
The ejection seat in helicopters was scrapped pretty early in the testing phase.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Shoving a nicotine suppository up your ass would be less pretentious than using a "cigarette" that requires a USB to charge.
The sweater I'm wearing is for fags. Didn't realize it until someone was polite enough to scream it from a passing car.
Hey N. Korea, testing nuclear weapons is SO 70 years ago. - USA
I really don't go visit Juan's grave often enough. So it's cool of this truck in front of me to remind me of his death.
"No Homo." - homeless Mexican
I bet Brandy's career would get a boost if she made a sex tape with Ray J.
Redbull, Sudafed, and then some whiskey. I'm just making the meth in my stomach. No laws against that.
It's not delivery, it's Caesarean.
I'll bet ya anything John Mayer serenades his morning erections.
In high school, I was given a "homework baby." Or what others might call, "your first born." #KCS
Why do we lose an hour on Saturday night? Can't it wait until Monday at 4pm.
Oklahoman. Comedian. Hugger. Co-CEO of OKCcomedy. TLO contributor.
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