"Sock it to me" I whisper to myself before sliding on my left sock "haha" i chuckle. "Sock it to me" i say again while sliding on my right s

*George Bush spoon feeding an infant* *leans way back and cranes neck to see if anyone is coming*... "here comes the airplane" he chuckles

If i die driving a truck full of silicone ass transplants and my obituary doesnt say "Died hauling ass" someone is getting haunted for sure.

Im straight edge i dont high five i sober five so step off stoners

Excuse me waiter there is a dildo in my soup!! "Okay sir can you show me the dildo?" I already ate it i just wanted to say thanks man.

I have one cat specifically to put used gum on.

Oh really cop? You sure you wanna mess with me? *opens up trench coat to reveal yugioh deck as the cop opens fire*

*puts condom on* so... this is sex... Hmm *microwaves some food then sits down and starts reading a book* i guess this is pretty cool

Ok the bad guys locked themselves in that room we r gonna have to smoke em out *bust in smokes blunts with them they r actually pretty cool*

Ways to tell a woman is mad at you;

1. She is
2. Seriously there is no way she isnt mad at u dude just look at yourself.

Im not a cop i swear. *reaches for drug money and donuts start falling from my pockets*

Well first off surgery went great. No problems at all. Second, *lights marijuana cigarette* I'm not a real doctor.

Tim i really dont think a jenga party on 9/11 is very appropriate.

Donald trump arrives in hell. Satan appears "donald, u have sinned, and now, its time toupee" *all of hell point and laugh. "You're FIRED!"

Girls with curves is cool but i like a chick with angles! Damn girl those hips are sharp! Oh dang u cut me pretty deep girl im bleeding alot

George Bush's sweaty brow as he folds in poker because his hand has nine elevens

*Gets first nude from girl* "Alright where's the dick on this thing?"

Bop it "ouch" Twist it "ouch" Pull it "ouch" Ya that ankle is definitely broken. Im gonna prescribe u sum Flintstones vitamins for the pain

Just walked it on my dad masterbating and he was pissed he stopped playing madden and told me to "just stay in my room if im gonna jerk it"

If ur name is Jessica and u were born after the original Jurassic Park then go ahead and flip off your parents for not naming u Jurassica