I am now considering changing my religion into PASTAFARIAN!!! Damn I Love Lasagna!

The Only Thing We Have to Fear is Fear Itself....and spiders, terrorists, taxes, death, commitment, unplanned pregnancy, AIDS, Politicians..

Why is it that when no one is around I am the funniest?

I Love You like a Fat Kid Loves 3.14159265!!!

I like to thank my newborn baby girl for bringing "D cups" to the household and unthank her for NOT SHARING!!

LENT is what Chinese People Pay Every Month to Live in an Apartment!

I got ONE problem...I DON'T HAVE 99 BITCHES!!!

I star everyone and I expect the same from you all....let's start STAR WARS!!!

There's a chance for another SUPERMOON If Kirstie Alley has a Wardrobe Malfunction!

Who's more delicious Jon Hamm or Kevin Bacon....I'm not gay but this is a tough one!

I AM the Shakespeare of Twitter.....I make ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE!!!

I Put the "LUMBER" in SLUMBER PARTY!!!

FAP TO THE FUTURE....it could happen if you rub over 88 mph using 1.21 jigowatts of force!

Secret's Out: Favstar is Twitter's Half Sister!

...is TRANNY a Transvestite Nanny???

DREIDEL ME THIS, DREIDEL ME THAT!......The Jewish Riddler (My Choice for the Next Batman Villain)

Rip you a new asshole...somehow I keep being told that is not very ROMANTIC!!!

If Shakespeare were alive today he'd say: "Something is rotten in the state of Jersey...Snooki"

People with SuperHero or Cartoon AVI's.........STOP IT! We Know You're Ugly.........wait.........WTF????

I think Charlie Sheen went to Haiti to look up the Voodoo Doll that is hurtin' his act!