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I’m accepting audition tapes for a new best friend, as my last one mysteriously vanished after commenting on my cold, terrible ruthlessness.
I was getting into a rut, so I tied my *right shoe* before my left shoe this morning. I’VE NEVER FELT SO ALIVE!!!
Teacher says: every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings. And every time a squirrel farts, an angel gets a hernia. And every time…
If you fail to properly respond to my hand signals, you’re not Illuminati and may not watch Duck Dynasty and plot world domination with me.
Great news! My case was thrown out on a technicali— uh, I proved my innocence! Now let me back into your hearts, homes, & underwear drawers.
What I say out loud: "You just made my day..."
What I add in my head: "... a whole lot worse. Please go away forever and ever, assface."
Instead of searching the world for the answer, look inside yourself. You might just find the answer is "pancreas."
My new Fried Cheese Diet will surprise you!*
*If you don't realize you'll become morbidly obese & die early from a heart-related illness!
"Shall I play for Him upon my drum?"
"No thanks. He's an infant and He's aslee--"
"WTF, DRUMMER BOY???"
If you're appalled by Black Friday violence, ride your high horse to my house for some drinks from my new (slightly battle-damaged) blender.
Am I strong? Listen, bud. I have radioactive blood. So, no. I'm quite weak and sick.