Suburban Wasteland  https://vine.co/v/bEUPPvzrLIu 

Used to work for UNICEF until I realized I could make a fortune selling my soul to the corporate machine. Then it was "So long, succorers!"

@ltaylor100 Same ol' same ol'.

Oh, Twitter followers. You all look absolutely beautiful. You truly belong here with me among the clouds. So, would you care for a Colt 45?

@_daviddarko_ Why, you slimy, double-crossing, no-good swindler!

A big thank you to all my fans for supporting me while I updated my image. Hope you like the new look! pic.twitter.com/GDCWmXcWCy

If this is power steering fluid I'm drinking, I bet I know where my strawberry smoothie went. Better finish my drink and call the tow truck.

I don't like it when people are only recognized posthumously for their achievements, so I've pretty much decided not to achieve anything.

Look, with songs like Come-a Sail-a Away, The Best-a of Times-a, and Signore Roboto, I simply *had* to call my cover band Mozzarella Styx.

You can't spell Palpatine without "Pal."  https://vine.co/v/bEM2rFm9Q3r 

It bothered me when bullies would pick on me in school, but now I realize they were just inhuman monsters upon whom I shall have my revenge.

@jerilryan No, it isn't. I've never served Cheerios that way. I just throw some on the ground and let my kids and dog fight for them.

Hey, don't forget to get out there and ROCK THE VOTE! If nobody's at your polling place, spray paint your choices on the wall! #democracy

Uh, yeah. I “smell like garbage” because I sleep in a dumpster. A dumpster full of garbage. That’s kind of how it works, Darren. Duh-DOY.

They say the heart of rock 'n' roll is still beatin' / Even though Mola Ram ripped it out / Maybe he can put it b-- / Oh great; it's on fire

Got some really nice feedback at my latest art show: "What is this?" "Why did you do this?" "I don't like this." "You're bad at this." #art

@michaelclear And something happens with shawarma, maybe. I want a co-writer credit! @jossactual

If I walk up to you and make out with you for 20 minutes and later on you find out that your wallet is missing, I had nothing to do with it.

I'm not in a miserable rut. Every day is an opportunity to learn something new. For example, I just learned how to blatantly lie in a tweet!

When I feel depressed, I remember all my friends and family on Facebook who care enough to invite me to play Diamond Dash 117 times a day.