It's fuck you degrees outside.

How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?

I wonder if sex toy manufacturers have people who test-out the products first. You know, like master beta testers.

Where do you see yourself in 5 beers?

Instead of "Sent from my iPhone," I use "Sent without Proofreading" as an email signature.

She wanted to be friends with benefits, but I said no because she didn't offer dental.

I might as well donate my body to science, since I've already donated my dignity to Twitter.

I bet Hemingway would've deleted a shitload of tweets the next day.

If you can't be funny, be insightful. If you can't be insightful, be autobiographical. If you can't be autobiographical, make a sockpuppet.

In a perfect world, you'd never begin a sentence like that.

The Terry Jones episode makes me long for simpler times when a man would pretend his kid was in a runaway balloon for global media attention

Very crafty of them not to have the mandate & public exchanges kick in until 2014, AFTER the world ends in 2012. Well played, Democrats.

I could be a pretty good money launderer as long as I didn't have to fold it too.

Calling her a hot dish, cause that's how I casserole.

I wanted to share an 80's pop reference, but you're out of touch, I'm out of time.

OH: "I think this guy is eavesdropping on us and tweeting about it."

Sometimes <3 doesn't adequately express the measure of one's sentiment. This is why I use <4, or even a <5 or a <6 to say how I truly feel

Dammit all. I accidentally starred one of my own tweets and it won't unstar. This is just like the time I got caught masturbating with glue

You have my undivided continuous partial attention.

While no man is an island, every man loves to be touched on his peninsula.