Few people know that the original set of tablets were smashed not because of the golden calf, but because they were in Comic Sans.

And it came to pass that there was #BestFuneralEver on TLC. And the Lord said, "I'm done."

If the 10 plagues hadn't convinced Pharaoh to free the Hebrews, I was prepared to break out the 11th, Chris Berman's voice.

Twitter has officially replaced talking to myself.

I really should have trademarked "tablet" when I had the chance.

And it came to pass that my tweets lately have sucked. And the Lord looked upon me and said, "I got nothing."

Pumped for the 'Here Comes Honey Boo Boo' spin-off, 'There Goes Honey Boo Boo With Child Protective Services'.

Thou shalt not pop thy collar.

How the hell did carrots ever find their way into cake?

#myfavoritelyrics "I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic." That song got me through some rough times.

No, I do not want flavored coffee. Coffee already has a flavor. Coffee.

If there's anything that could make me smash another tablet, it's Windows 8.

I'm so close to making it 24 hours without tweeting. Only one more hour to go. This is tough.

People complain that God doesn't do enough, but blessing every one that sneezes is pretty much a full time job.

The amount of time a room full of Jews can go without complaining #thingslongerthankimsmarriage

There is something absolutely hilarious about watching a hardcore goth run through the rain.

Twitter is like Mystery Science Theater 3000 for real life.

The Lord has just asked me to insert "Thou shalt not #prayforjustinbieber" right between not killing and not committing adultery.

I woke up in a great mood today. Then I encountered people and that was the end of that.

#booksyoucaneat The Old Testamint