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@Splits_McGee's (Splits) most faved Tweets...
Splits_McGee
New observation:
The more weight I gain the better I get at picking things up with my toes...
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Just started a guy on Viagra and lexapro today.

He's gonna be a happy fucker
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
I completely broke character today. I actually tried dresses on in the dressing room as opposed to in the isle of the store over my clothes
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Also, do NOT ever ever touch eyes after using finger to slather habenero sauce on lips



MOTHER FUCKING SHIT BALLS!!!!!
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
BF told me that he is gonna "tear that ass up" tonight

By "tear that ass up" he means get drunk with the guys and have the shits for 3 days
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
been able to read tweets during meeting, bc i told them I must have my phone in my hand at all times in case someone tries to kill us all
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Just had 10 year old in group ask if he could hold my hand and be my BF while we watch The Princess Bride


I think my cougar days are over
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Note to self: next time you drink an entire bottle of champagne in the bath tub take excedrine first.


Also, no Karen Carpenter
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Obviously this kid is not familiar with the half my age plus 7 rule.
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Dear Santa,
I've been really fucking good this year. May I have a .50 Desert Eagle with laser sights. Oh, and lots of ammo

Thanks
Splits
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Why must I always love things that dont love me back?



Like Russell Crowe...and sweater dresses.
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
When all else fails...talk about things you stick in your bum, umlauts, or fisting
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Ladie in restroom: "My mother taught me to wash my hands after I use the bathroom"

Me: "my mother taught me to not piss on my hands"
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Wipe down sink, find earrings, take earrings to dressing room, notice full trash can, empty trash, notice weeds in yard

Cleaninig with ADHD
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Did someone just loosen the buckle on my bible belt?
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
It's not twisted that I would love to hear Diane Rehm say the words "pimp hand" or "bottom bitch" is it??


I didn't think so
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
White males over 85 have the highest rate of suicide than any other demographic.


Something to look forward to guys...
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Just watched chic put makeup on in her car before coming in the gym. Guess she doesn't know the firemen are on a m-w-f schedule
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Someone remind me how much I love my work.


Quick
@Splits_McGee
Splits_McGee
Cable Tech support guy just said he was going to fix my box.

Of course I started giggling, are you kidding??
@Splits_McGee
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