I bet snipers occasionally get overcome by a strong urge to shoot someone right in the dick from 1,000 yards.

"This one's also about poop" -- an infant songwriter

We use the 'withdrawal' method of birth control; that is, every time she gets pregnant I have to take out about $300 at the ATM

"More like GRAV-E." -- me, when I slip some E into my mom's gravy later

Took my dad to a strip club for Father's Day. The urn only creeped out a few of the dancers.

I'm like the pilot in a gunned-down plane looking for the ejection button of scrambling for the remote when Conan switches to George Lopez.

"Excuse me, waitress, *MIGHT I* have another mai tai?" - me, killing it at the tiki bar last night

I'm confused: who do ladies love more, Cool J, or Bean?

I just took a shit so foul and preposterous I'm worried I ate an M. Night Shyamalan screenplay.

Jeez Paul McCartney, what's next, a THREE legged wife? #showoff

I bet Morgan Freeman's great-great-grandfather probably didn't have that last name. :(

That new Gosling/ Clooney movie was OK, but the theater was gross. There was like a HUGE puddle of pussy juice under my girlfriend's seat.

"'Big': Troublin' Little China" is probably my favorite movie about how disturbed Little China gets over early Tom Hanks movies.

Food writers don't seem to use the term "babysitter's asshole delicious" anymore. Too quaint maybe?

If I lived in Eton, England, I would do everything in my power to name the high school sports team the Pussies.

This empty storefront has a decal on the window that says "We rent and sell videos." I didn't know you had to display the reason you closed.

I mastered two classic yo-yo moves this weekend: "Walking the Dog" and "Prolonged Celibacy"

"If I had a time machine, I'd kill" - Hitler

When it comes to race, I'm color blind. But I can still point out Orientals because of their ridiculously shaped eyes. #unfollow

"More like DICK CANNON!" -- Mariah Carey, when Nick Cannon squirts one on her titties