"More like Judi DRENCH" - me, after Dame Judi Dench explosively orgasmed on my face

@elibraden oh no eli i think @gallagher hijacked your acct

I just took a shit so foul and preposterous I'm worried I ate an M. Night Shyamalan screenplay.

I'm confused: who do ladies love more, Cool J, or Bean?

Critics are calling 'Crazy Stupid Love' a "sophisticated comedy." My girlfriend is calling it "Ryan Gosling's abs make me want to leave you"

I bet Morgan Freeman's great-great-grandfather probably didn't have that last name. :(

"Heroin, saxophones, pussy... and heroin" - the unused lyrics to John Coltrane's rendition of 'My Favorite Things'

"'Big': Troublin' Little China" is probably my favorite movie about how disturbed Little China gets over early Tom Hanks movies.

Just finished a grueling, 3-hour Civil War reenactment. Specifically July 16, 1862, when General McCullough jerked himself into a 3-hour nap

Took my dad to a strip club for Father's Day. The urn only creeped out a few of the dancers.

I'm like the pilot in a gunned-down plane looking for the ejection button of scrambling for the remote when Conan switches to George Lopez.

Ironically, many Asian people probably find Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" to be excessively morbid.

Really Lou Reed? Your 'Perfect Day' includes 'feeding animals at the zoo'? Um, that's clear violation of zoo policy, PRICK. #VUhateschimps

I bet snipers occasionally get overcome by a strong urge to shoot someone right in the dick from 1,000 yards.

I just cut off my penis to make my pubes look bigger.

Are Florence and the Machine even aware that they could be raged against at any time?!?!

TRUE: Paul McCartney is writing a new ballet. It's called "See What Women Can do with Two Legs, You Gold-Digging Whore"