I'm trying to expand my dirty talk beyond "oops", and "sorry".

Imagine a world in which our armed forces had to hold a bake sale for some reason or another.

Im not racist. Some of my best friends have black friends.

Thinking about calling Twiitter my Chortle Portal.


I already regret typing these words.

Why do they always make you take your pants off at the dentist? It seems excessive.

The only thing sexier than a burlesque dancer is anything else.

Why does eating cat-food for dinner always make me feel depressed?
#Friday

I probably should have asked a few more questions before I took home The Girl With the Herpes Tattoo.

Must love dogs?! Oh never mind, I thought you said Mustard Dogs.

Why does eating cat-food for dinner always make me feel depressed?

Socks. Not just for putting on your cat's head.

There is way too much urine in my hair for a Friday.

Edamame is a horrible name for a child, no matter how green and delicious they are.

I had a clever tweet idea but lost it, like when Hemingway lost all his early stories. Except this was just one line, and about my penis.

@_theguy_ hey just discovered the Decently Funny podcast. It's hilarious. I listen to it on my way to school. I'm 7.

I haven't seen so many grownups wearing NY Giants jerseys since the last Special Olympics.


Just to be clear, I mean you look retarded.

Imagine 1000 monkeys each tweeting on 1000 blackberries!



I do not do well with the ladies.

I'm not here to play the blame game. Let's just agree that going forward i would prefer to wake up unvagazzled.

I'm hoping my 100th follower is feeling spendy.

Not getting many backers for my upscale food cart venture, The Gentlemen's Weiner.