You'd think Tigger and Eeyore would have traded some of their meds.

I refuse to get down from my high horse, because I'm high too and we're going on an adventure.

I wonder if a ventriloquist has ever used his puppet as an oven mitt, despite the puppet's objections and bloodcurdling screams of agony.

I'd like to go back in time to scare the shit out of the Pilgrims with a flashlight.

If I were to join an Indian tribe my name would either be Spaz Around Spiders, or Startled By Squirrels.

I'm starting to think the Care Bears don't give a fuck about any of us.

What if cats are actually hoarding all the people who collect junk?

Autocorrect tries to make my tweets sound like "die hard" on basic cable. Yippee Kay Yeah Mellon Farmer

I'm assuming Lake Titticaca was named by a seven year old.

If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.

When I see someone talking on a pay phone I assume

A. drug dealer
B. undercover cop
C. on shrooms trying to time travel like Bill and Ted

I just overheard a fat guy arguing with his personal trainer in the gym.

"I can't do sit-ups. Have you ever tried to fold a grapefruit?"

If you love something, don't piss it off.

All knives are throwing knives when you throw them.

Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day, give a man a marker and he'll draw a penis.

Wearing a No Fear t-shirt tells me that you've had a fear of buying new clothes since 1996.

Giving antlers to deer was an evolutionary waste. Every time I challenge a deer to a fight, it prances off into the forest like a bitch.

What if Hello Kitty is actually Hero Kitty in Japan and we're just being presumptuous with our pronunciation?

I love America but I trust nothing that can't be found within a few miles of where I live... so let's shoot at it.

~ Country Music

I'm pretty sure the florist who came up with the name "baby's breath," had lampshades made of human skin in his house.