"I don't want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it's your fault." ~ girls

I'm not pregnant enough to enjoy Facebook.

My dog that died a year ago will live on forever in the form of low security passwords.. and in my heart.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

Hamsters are just tiny grizzly bears.

"Goodnight, moon."
"GOODNIGHT."
"Holy fuck!"

It's not gay if it's couple's skate and you and your buddy are both single and don't want to sit out your favorite Boyz 2 Men song.

The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.

Hi, i'm a celebrity who detests attention. These are my children: Raffleticket, Telescope, and Barn.

I'm no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey's smile as saying, "I may or may not have eaten your parakeet."

Swans are pretty graceful for albino giraffe ducks.

There's a fine line between folk art and homemade crap.

Unless you’re Batman, I can’t see how anything clipped onto your belt will impress women.

If there's one thing I know about women, it's that I'm probably wrong about that too.

It's funny how people in the self checkout pretend they weren't racing me once they've already lost.

Hope I never get chased by a monster while I'm wearing flip flops.

When confused, I use my fingers to create a makeshift batman mask and sit in silence until I figure out what I'm supposed to be doing.

Hope this unpaid twitter internship is going somewhere.

Time flies when you're throwing clocks haha do you guys like me?

I'm 1/16th mall goth on my dad's side.