I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 17 minutes.

Make your résumé stand out by pinning it to the CEO's front door with a hunting knife

Lady: I'm on twitter.

Me: Lemme guess. Your name is PrincessSexyLoveGoddessDivaGirl & your avi is a pair of legs.

Lady:...

Me: *facepalm*

If I were a woman, I'd probably say things like "gotta go polish the petunia" and then back my car into a mailbox.

Don't let the hemp necklace and cornrows fool you. I actually have no idea how to fly this plane.

1) Invent a time machine
2) Travel to tomorrow morning
3) Stand outside your bedroom window and wait for yourself to open the curtains

I don't know how often flying squirrels get laid, but it's not enough.

A haunted house where a motivational speaker asks you to stand up and find a partner.

Patient just looked me square in the eye and said, "Fuck Tom Cruise and his invisible ponytail," and you know what? Goddamned right.

My cousin is proposing to his baby mama on Valentines Day. This white trash, cliché moment is brought to you by Miller Lite and Cheetos.

"Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You're boring. I'm leaving... Jk I'm back. Hey" - Birds

Freedom's just another word for I just let a dog drive my Hyundai for like a block.

Your eCard changed my life.

That's cool how Pinocchio came to life do you think that could ever happen with my coffee table

Please Select Your Blank Check Background:
- Antique World Map
- Bare Butt (M or F)
- Coolio's Hairline
- Octopus Sleepover

I'm pretty jealous of the people who make coloring books for a living.

I saw a blimp today, but I didn't lose my shit because I'm an adult now.

I won't ever let not owning a cat keep me from being super weird.

Cilantro is something you either love or hate or like a medium amount or don’t care about or don’t know about.

“I don’t give a fuck. I want some waffles!” - the dude who rode his bike to this Waffle House.