Eating a banana does not make you look gay. Unless you eat it with your ass.

They say you are what you eat but I'm not so sure, I don't remember eating a fucking legend.

Can you call shotgun on a boner?

Using the bible as proof that God exists is like using Harry Potter as proof that Hogwarts exists.

On a scale of one to ten I'm a C

Don't feel bad, other men don't know how to talk to me either.

Is there a nice way of saying I can't have sex with you because your dick smells like farts? I feel like I shouldn't have to say that.

Whenever my number of followers drops it gives me a boost that some cunt gave a fuck.

My sister and her husband were talking about 'no such thing as a perfect murder' I wont fall for that, I wont give away my plan to anyone.

It really turns me on when you sniff your fingers after scratching your junk. Seriously. That shit is hot.

Id rather have no followers than masses of easily offended cunts.

I don't want to be down with the kids. The kids are dicks. WTF is YOLO anyway?

You're the worst kind of autistic, you can't even count.

Good come back. Did you just wipe that off your face?

I love sarcasm because it allows me to be creative and mysterious when I tell you to go fuck yourself.

I always pick the darkest one but I hope the guy who's driveway I just peed in wasn't watching me. Sick fuck.

You're the shit and I'm knee deep in it.

My followers are dropping like flies with all these Cunt tweets.

I fucking love science. http://t.co/R6QrlC7P

I'm not cheap, asshole. I'm poor. And also cheap.