I've been growing a tumor this month to raise money for people with moustaches.

Before Shazam if you wished to know who sang a track you had to sing it to tape, record it to vinyl, release it and wait for someone to sue.

It's raining heavily in London. I feel sorry for the people waiting outside the Harry Potter premiere. The two statements are not connected.

I'm not one for abbreviations, but phone hacking should be shorten to 'phacking'. That way the BBC news could call Murdoch a phacking idiot.

Seven years ago today my wife and I shared our first dance. Tonight our son gave us a framed 12" single of that song:  http://twitpic.com/bviwl5 

Breaking: Last surviving viewer of Titanic dies, aged 97.

I've been growing a tumour this month to raise money for people with moustaches.

You know who I feel sorry for? Norway's only Morrissey tribute act.

Join the dots:

..................





(It's a snake.)

Met Lorraine Chase. @lfbarfe said "You had us all drinking Campari and it's vile". With grace she replied "Yeah, it's a fucker, ain't it".

Mickey holding pig so that he can play on her tits like keys:  http://twitpic.com/bg1lus 

Brokenhearted dyslexics who are also big chickens run away to join the Foghorn Leghorn.

If you missed that ITV documentary about The Monkees the other day, some kind soul has put it all on YouTube: http://t.co/ZcRH62vL

My friend's not pleasant. He once told me he thought Schindler's List was too long. Didn't even know there was a movie.

Boris Karloff relaxes on the set of Bride Of Frankenstein with a nice cup of tea and a fag: http://twitpic.com/4mte56

Keith Chegwin, at the height of his boozing, would vomit in wastepaper baskets & say "That's why they call me Mr. Philbin". Steal that one.

Glad women are finally being acknowledged. It's not like the other half of the world don't think about them every eight seconds or anything.

Love this book of 30s Hollywood gossip columns. So much forgotten slang: "H. G. Wells may be some pumpkins as a novelist...". Some pumpkins!

If I had a time machine and a pound I'd go to this: http://twitpic.com/5tk1py

Donate to David Walliams? Last time I slipped a fiver to a 6'3" sexually ambiguous goosefat-covered man in Speedos... well, I've said enough