It's pretty inconvenient that you have to climb stairs to get to heaven. They should put in a highway like they did with hell.

Dear people with sunglasses that cost more than $5 who manage to keep them for longer than a week, Are you guys wizards?

I said ”sad tuba” in a tweet and now I have like 10 bands with tubas following me. So let's try this: billionaires who adopt adults.

I'm am so distracted today. My brain feels like that little bubble in the middle of the Trouble board game with the dice in it.

One day, I want someone to say upon meeting me, "I'm a big fan of your work." Hopefully, this will not happen in a prison.

If I were trapped in a hole with my coworkers for 69 days, I guarantee I'd be the only one left to rescue.

Sorry, guys. I accidentally knocked Favstar in the toilet while I was brushing my teeth. My bad.

If I ever invent a beer I will call it "The Mondays". Because "A case of The Mondays cures a case of the Mondays.

Sometimes I'm not so much ”happily married” as ”stabbily married”. Am I right, married people?

Hey, did you guys know that sleep deprivation makes you fucking hate every fucking thing?

Wow. You are so demented. Aaaand, follow.

My stomach just made the ”Mario going down a pipe” noise. Time to eat I think.

Fact: making cookies from scratch burns more calories than the cookies contain. Shut up, yes it does.

Why do the female gymnasts have their asses hanging out, but the guys are in footie pajamas?

I'm calling today "Thursday Slack-travaganza". Or maybe "Thursday Slack-tacular". Anyway, not doing work.

My bath water is 107°. Is this gonna poach all my eggs?

You people disgust me. Love you.

Booze, booze, the magical drink. The more you imbibe, the less you think. #tweetthatshit

Just searched  http://allrecipes.com . The recipe for methamphetamine is not on there. ALL recipes, my ass.

Seriously. It wasn't until twitter that I found "my people".