I admire gay men. They leave more women for me.

My girlfriend's parents hate me. And her husband doesnt like me either.

I like Intelligent, classy, well-educated women who say "F*ck" a lot.

Hey guys! You wanna learn how to dance? Drink all you can and wait for your turn to use the toilet.

Dont you wish your coffee was hot like mine?

Being awesome is like sex. Hard but fun.

Wanna get stoned? Drink wet cement

If you poke a star on twitter it becomes glitter.

How does glue make you high? Do you stick yourself on the celling?

Do Jewish vampires avoid crosses or Stars of David?

Planned outfit for today: Nothing but a smile.

That guy who winked at your mom. Yeah that's me.

Cross-eyed woman is starring at me. Or you?

My daily exercise routine is Tweeting. The calories i lose are my unfollowers.

You are the deodorant beneath my wings.

I quit Smoking for the day and im freaking out! I need a drag! What do you think Ciggerettes are doing right now? THINKING ABOUT ME!?

Either Facebook just got more boring or Twitter just got more fun. And my balanced diet not so good.

All jokes aside, both women and pancakes taste good.

I see Retarded people.

That awkward moment in 2013 when everyone is still alive.