Guess what overeaters? You're not anonymous.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we ingest a bunch of opiates and try to operate a loom.

Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut, I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you. Let me in, Boo.

This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.

It makes me depressed to know that I don't really have a stegosaurus, but rather a very pissed off cat with Doritos superglued to his back.

Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

I ate 15 mozzarella sticks today, but with the wind chill, it was more like 5.

Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible.

I wonder if I'm too old to have Anne Geddes come over and take pictures of me sleeping in a giant bowl of Hamburger Helper.

If the dumpster's a rockin', there's a 50% chance I'm in there against my will.

Does anybody know how long PCP lasts? Asking for a Gila Monster sitting at my kitchen table.

Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive through. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.

I should dump a celebratory cooler of Gatorade on this 90 year old lady who just took 9 minutes to sign her name on the credit card display.

It sucks when one of my Facebook friends beats my Bejeweled score and I'm forced to bring up their 9th grade abortion.

We're never going to heal as a nation until girls quit sneezing like kitty cats.

My gyno wrote things were "unremarkable" on my chart. Sorry, but there are 67 people and a golden retriever that would say otherwise.

I didn't win the Powerball last night, but I'm still planning on quitting my job and alienating my family.

I sure do drink a lot of sports drinks for someone whose heart rate spikes when changing a printer cartridge.

Children who turn around in a restaurant booth and stare at me get flipped off and the truth about Santa. Those are just the rules.

"Great Ebayer! Fast shipping! Could have done without all the styrofoam peanuts, cunt!" ~ Me, leaving feedback during a bipolar episode.