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  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut, I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you. Let me in, Boo.

    • 688
    • FAVS
    Miciura2tickytackyGreeblehausDanielRCarrilloICountBeansslippythelion69_Jess_The_Messblitheringidiom__
    • 318
    • RETWEETS
    stephtrbCVTBabylippythelion69_Jess_The_Messblitheringidiom__OhgoddessitsmemahatmatweeterJessica__Rayne
    BillMc7painted_eelMolly_KatsGreenishDuck
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    Oh what a tangled web we weave when we ingest a bunch of opiates and try to operate a loom.

    • 657
    • FAVS
    2tickytackyGreeblehausjamesjhamiltonICountBeanssaShiverOfSharks__JasonBerlinHogtownGators____iNusku
    • 304
    • RETWEETS
    CVTBabyaShiverOfSharks__billwetter2w_cridercraiglonasbonezwhoJmw22776__ReiverMist
    LipstickSpiceUNTRESOR
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    Guess what overeaters? You're not anonymous.

    • 696
    • FAVS
    Miciura2tickytackysundressedbeccafacexoaShiverOfSharks__Thateverydayguydaisysunshine90__speevis
    • 134
    • RETWEETS
    speevisMrWilson1884nittunisiaHogtownGators____maryy_kathrynnHome_HalfwayJVLIVS_brainsdoc
    larisasays
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.

    • 475
    • FAVS
    missworld9999beccafacexoICountBeanssaShiverOfSharks__JasonBerlinThateverydayguynittunisiaFoosaingFox
    • 125
    • RETWEETS
    HogtownGators_____solarflareEasterRejectmaryy_kathrynnagentmooreshemightbedrunkHome_Halfwayistandakimbo
    FattMernandezCleverLinguist
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    It makes me depressed to know that I don't really have a stegosaurus, but rather a very pissed off cat with Doritos superglued to his back.

    • 365
    • FAVS
    2tickytackybeccafacexoBedheadBunnyscrircaShiverOfSharks__AdmiralSarcasmThateverydayguyPYWL
    • 200
    • RETWEETS
    aShiverOfSharks__cmtvodka__________madeincanada_Lady_MeadPYWLRick_IZJENsticknpuck82ToonsBrian
    gonnnzoFattMernandez
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible.

    • 390
    • FAVS
    2tickytackyyellow3131Donnie_FairburnxSHYxAmburglar_D__M__LJaneErrorejessica79
    • 149
    • RETWEETS
    xSHYxJaneErrorr_wolfcastlemaddiewilkDanielRCarrilloFrancesca9243olliev_nMRobisonM
    greenteam15Dong_HangerLipstickSpice
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    I wonder if I'm too old to have Anne Geddes come over and take pictures of me sleeping in a giant bowl of Hamburger Helper.

    • 437
    • FAVS
    arkcubLMortensenMiciuraprincesslisa20RhiannaRaeeonebadmunkythe_salirmojason
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    Miciuraprincesslisa20JhonRulescarlyataylorSa_xoUtahniatmoney627jwstainton
    diarrheaStellacopter
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    Anyone who owns a waterbed has had at least 2 DUIs.

    • 374
    • FAVS
    knivveschauckazboehmtayraymaypaypontnAllimp1993LAsPaulTaylor____MeganKahanyshynhoytsterr
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    MiciuramiguelitoveeBigsby29rubyrubraemjwilkjared_the_bearkushkoalaMollyLathrop
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

    • 320
    • FAVS
    MiciuraJasonBerlinJaydenMcKoytdumaaShanehasabeardVegasGalMaryIm_TriciaPlaying_Dad
    • 135
    • RETWEETS
    OyAkinolatgdtirstpmoCopperheadSammiDong_HangerBitknee23hungrybeccaNerdy_StuttergInnI028
    jjmick45
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    I will cut you out of my life forever if I see you squirting ketchup directly on your fries.

    • 321
    • FAVS
    BirsenSuShenKrawalesqDangyull_margarrjohn77wmsdubsRoblesGrWallacedielakritze
    • 133
    • RETWEETS
    knivveschauSorrowAbusedcheripai69bremerjung89Chaosnickischwarzertee666evalia_lordPulau_Punk
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    I ate 15 mozzarella sticks today, but with the wind chill, it was more like 5.

    • 322
    • FAVS
    aShiverOfSharks__ThateverydayguyHogtownGators____michael_himelsix4certainIm_TriciaPlaying_Dadbrainsdoc
    • 125
    • RETWEETS
    favstar_historyFrankFecesDong_HangerstupiddumbniceturdfinderJuiceticlesJesssicaRSmithadambockart
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    Does anybody know how long PCP lasts? Asking for a Gila Monster sitting at my kitchen table.

    • 360
    • FAVS
    laparker2tickytackyasway93katfoodbreathHerrListtriggertongueBogdan124schnydiddy
    • 67
    • RETWEETS
    mcnabb311undeadpoolKevin_FritzTheJeremyBooherrenegade_jeremyScouseBot23garyorrPaddoCrackr
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    If the dumpster's a rockin', there's a 50% chance I'm in there against my will.

    • 372
    • FAVS
    2tickytackytwerkswithwolfsaShiverOfSharks__JasonBerlinHogtownGators____Im_TriciaPlaying_DadReelBigAsshole
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    ladydior1brainsdocDong_Hangerpurelysweets______karencreets______marxtuckjasonlight73xoStormtrooper
    CVTBabyTequilaTears
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    I wish this microwavable burrito would hurry up and cook. It's not like I have all minute.

    • 301
    • FAVS
    jbmcwillieemmygdaveyNiaHughesPeluna333jkramblesRachelLeigh227donnyfwardstiffmacjiff
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    steveluke7DownFrontArtistchelseadaveyMollyCateeCryptmaster21RosaCantEvenbraylonsmthbenittto6
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    I should dump a celebratory cooler of Gatorade on this 90 year old lady who just took 9 minutes to sign her name on the credit card display.

    • 306
    • FAVS
    HerrListkinchillaAlastor666________mojitopepeSkyeO01rachaelheinamansucittaMGabbiAlner
    • 51
    • RETWEETS
    Alastor666________k_mackdaddyCreamyHamRagingPulpMitchellLJJustCallMeC_AlexMalsHome_Halfway
    JoeyPositivity
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive through. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.

    • 283
    • FAVS
    THATSteveHallmcgarry05Isla_Mujer808HerrListnsn729iratasumughsighshrugLillibetB27
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    THATSteveHallmcgarry05stoeyjarrsughsighshrugLyndaCrainMyBellevueHome_Halfwaydmichaelmick
    awesomeseankOngoingBS
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    It sucks when one of my Facebook friends beats my Bejeweled score and I'm forced to bring up their 9th grade abortion.

    • 254
    • FAVS
    2tickytackybeccafacexoJasonBerlinkellyfadamtwitsandgiggledThateverydayguyPYWLPurpleSwtPotato
    • 64
    • RETWEETS
    MPeshGTa__benittto5Favstar250VGLICIOUS_PurpleSwtPotatoGrumpyjenniferAlice_In_Arabiavodkachrome__
    rodneyjoe________
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    My gyno wrote things were "unremarkable" on my chart. Sorry, but there are 67 people and a golden retriever that would say otherwise.

    • 283
    • FAVS
    twerkswithwolfsJasonBerlinPurpleSwtPotatokingstonstreetsevenxx7ericsshadowvodkachrome__Shanehasabeard
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    vodkachrome__horsedreamerFavstar250The_Real_Tao______jonathonmichalsTweetwatcher4Cass_CoeJohnSkylerrox
    vodkachrome__OngoingBS
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    We're never going to heal as a nation until girls quit sneezing like kitty cats.

    • 246
    • FAVS
    beccafacexoaShiverOfSharks__blakeahendersonJasonBerlinShanehasabeardIm_TriciaPlaying_Dadgreenteam15
    • 52
    • RETWEETS
    Kostandinia______obi_ian_kenobiMirandaGrohUp____DudeImShawnHapaKoleaJenquinnhoteljwalkonthemoonkmorgannnn4
    GroperClevelandTrainedHedonistCoy0teUgly________robfee
  • Squirreljustice
      Nikki @Squirreljustice

    I profusely apologize for putting my Favstar link in the comments section of your Nana's online obituary.

    • 242
    • FAVS
    GrabTheWEnessBackpackerBooiebeccafacexoeborg01HollyMemphisJasonBerlinJacobBeltramihaylie_dianne
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    SuvieDC___k_elvinHome_HalfwaythumbprinzexyzloleeiamsorrythatDBromseydlascell
    Home_Halfway
@Squirreljustice

@Squirreljustice

Grammy Award-winning Liar.