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Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut, I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you. Let me in, Boo.
Oh what a tangled web we weave when we ingest a bunch of opiates and try to operate a loom.
Guess what overeaters? You're not anonymous.
This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.
It makes me depressed to know that I don't really have a stegosaurus, but rather a very pissed off cat with Doritos superglued to his back.
Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible.
I wonder if I'm too old to have Anne Geddes come over and take pictures of me sleeping in a giant bowl of Hamburger Helper.
Anyone who owns a waterbed has had at least 2 DUIs.
Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.
I will cut you out of my life forever if I see you squirting ketchup directly on your fries.
I ate 15 mozzarella sticks today, but with the wind chill, it was more like 5.
Does anybody know how long PCP lasts? Asking for a Gila Monster sitting at my kitchen table.
If the dumpster's a rockin', there's a 50% chance I'm in there against my will.
I wish this microwavable burrito would hurry up and cook. It's not like I have all minute.
I should dump a celebratory cooler of Gatorade on this 90 year old lady who just took 9 minutes to sign her name on the credit card display.
Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive through. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.
It sucks when one of my Facebook friends beats my Bejeweled score and I'm forced to bring up their 9th grade abortion.
My gyno wrote things were "unremarkable" on my chart. Sorry, but there are 67 people and a golden retriever that would say otherwise.
We're never going to heal as a nation until girls quit sneezing like kitty cats.
I profusely apologize for putting my Favstar link in the comments section of your Nana's online obituary.
Grammy Award-winning Liar.
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