Guess what overeaters? You're not anonymous.

Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut, I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you. Let me in, Boo.

Oh what a tangled web we weave when we ingest a bunch of opiates and try to operate a loom.

This cop is going to look like such a dumbass trying to give me a field sobriety test while I'm invisible.

If the dumpster's a rockin', there's a 50% chance I'm in there against my will.

I wonder if I'm too old to have Anne Geddes come over and take pictures of me sleeping in a giant bowl of Hamburger Helper.

Does anybody know how long PCP lasts? Asking for a Gila Monster sitting at my kitchen table.

I ate 15 mozzarella sticks today, but with the wind chill, it was more like 5.

Theoretically, you can't really complain if there's a pubic hair on your everything bagel.

Please don't go out in shorts if your circulatory system is visible.

It makes me depressed to know that I don't really have a stegosaurus, but rather a very pissed off cat with Doritos superglued to his back.

I should dump a celebratory cooler of Gatorade on this 90 year old lady who just took 9 minutes to sign her name on the credit card display.

My gyno wrote things were "unremarkable" on my chart. Sorry, but there are 67 people and a golden retriever that would say otherwise.

Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive through. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.

We're never going to heal as a nation until girls quit sneezing like kitty cats.

It sucks when one of my Facebook friends beats my Bejeweled score and I'm forced to bring up their 9th grade abortion.

I sure do drink a lot of sports drinks for someone whose heart rate spikes when changing a printer cartridge.

"Great Ebayer! Fast shipping! Could have done without all the styrofoam peanuts, cunt!" ~ Me, leaving feedback during a bipolar episode.

"I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" should be called "I Didn't Buy Tampons for Upwards of a Year, and I'm a Stupid Whore."

Every time I find a penny, I fondly remember all the times I defrauded Columbia Record House.