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This tweet would be so much funnier if I retweeted more but since I'm an asshole it kind of cancels it out.
There's got to be a good tweet in here somewhere.
-me when depressed
Excuse me while I read a book and pretend my life isn't like the end of a game of Jenga.
I started reading about how to hide kale in a smoothie but then I got bored and made bacon and eggs instead.
I always forget red wine dissolves the Kevlar around my heart....
I don't wear a beard because I WANT to. I wear a beard because I HAVE to. Chin implants are expensive, you know.
Filter those selfies some more so I know you're not real.
Shhh.....nobody wants to hear about your morning commute.
I auditioned for March of the Penguins but was turned down for not being a penguin.
I'm in one of those moods today, I'll tell you exactly why I hate your ugly fucking face.
I should win an Oscar for my performance as 'human being who cares what you're saying'.
What doesn't kill you is gonna owe me $20, a pack of Starburst, and the expired visa gift card that I coughed up to get the job done RIGHT.
I never believe someone is dead unless I have heard it from a reliable source, saw the body, or had a taste of the meat.
Let's lock lips and throw away the key.
I like running on an elliptical better than a treadmill because I can close my eyes and imagine boobs and tiny puppies.
But mainly boobs.
Sorry I won't show you my boobs or my vag so you've stopped interacting with me.
*not sorry at all, dickhead
Let's make this the most sensual national corn chip day ever.
Functionally miserable. Grateful pessimist. Earlobe enthusiast. My Mrs @GirrlGenius gives me a ♡on. http://gofundme.com/jillandnick