Little did I know, I washed up for the gyno with the washcloth my daughter uses for her glitter make-up.

He said "Aren't WE festive today?"

Good things my thighs sweat when they rub together. If they stayed dry, the resulting friction would undoubtedly start a bush fire.

Well, it looks like the fecal matter is about to come into contact with the rotary oscillator.

Again.

If it weren't for the last minute, I'd get nothing done at all.
Even then, I fuck around for the first 30 seconds.

Old saying: The key to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

Words to live by.

I got an invitation to go to a self-esteem seminar, but I don't think they'd want me there.

Hmm... Lunchtime. What do I have on hand? Dignity? No. Patience? No. Looks like we're having Crippling Self Doubt sandwiches for lunch. Yum!

What's the cruelest gift you can give a mermaid?

Fishnet stockings.

You bastards.

You know what the best thing about having Pagan friends?

They worship the ground you walk on.

Also: Pagans like to celebrate naked.

Kickin' ass and taking names, motherfuckers!

Ah, who am I kidding? I don't bother taking names.

"It's my dick and my soap and I'll wash it as fast as I want to!"

What my brother said when mom caught him masturbating.

Do not put that in your mouth.

You don't know where I've been.

When life gives you lemons, shove them in your shirt and make boobies.

Especially if you have five or six.

I belong to Moderationists Anonymous. We get together, have a few beers, smoke a bowl, hang out until 11:00ish and go home and go to bed.

I've got cleavage. I just keep it in the back.

When I die, I'm going to heaven because I've already spent my time in Jersey.

"You know, the ice cream man isn't the only one around here named Mr. Softee."

#ThingsIWishISaidToMyEx

"When you get to Hell, tell your mother I said to go piss up a rope.

And that dog of yours can go fuck himself."

#ThingsIWishISaidToMyEx

My Ex saved me from drowning... he took his foot off of my head.

Guy in a new Mercedes cut me off on the highway and nearly killed me!

What a Deutschbag!