People are distracted on their birthdays, so that's the perfect time to unfriend them.

Not true. This Mormon family on my street has 8 kids and they're all dildos. RT @uberfacts: It's illegal to own 6 or more dildos in Texas.

Single women, summer starts tomorrow. It's too late.

it's about time we had a Disney princess who bites her nails and picks her nose and wears glasses and has bangs and a shitty credit score

Sure, fight for your right to party. Fight harder for your right to sit in the corner looking at your phone during the party.

#FF Kid Rock quoting himself on Twitter. RT @kidrock: "I could care less about what people think. I'm a Devil Without A Cause." - Kid Rock

The next Fast and the Furious should just be two hours of a guy doing steroids inside of a Nissan Cube.

So blessed got so many pairs of clean sweatpants to choose from right now.

You know you're a 90s kid when you have a twitter meltdown then throw a bong at a cop.

Does feeling fucking awful all the time count as an illness?

Three day weekend coming up. That's an extra day of drinking alone.

I just said "excuse me" to a table. I may be crazy, but at least I'm polite to furniture.

"I don't email beats, we need to sit down in the studio, that's how u make a classic" - Warren G on making music

Use naps as awesome little vacations from your horrible self.

I like scaring my Black friends by dancing real hard to house music when they come over.

Paul George sounds like what a teenage girl would say when you ask her the name of her imaginary long distance boyfriend.

My diet consists of everything you'd have to hide the wrapper from as far down in the garbage can as possible.

can't wait to be a ghost at my own funeral and stand there doing a J.O. hand motion the whole time

At any given moment I would give anything to be anyone else doing anything else anywhere else.

I don't think that guy needs a phone @verizon. pic.twitter.com/oT128U9tK7