I wish we lived in an alternate universe where we could see Judge Trudy prosecute Amanda Bynes for throwing a bong out of her window.

VICTORIA'S SECRET IS A HEAVILY PERFUMED FLIMSY UNDERWEAR MAZE.

You're about to have your baby because you induced labor? Please update your Facebook status so it's not weird that I know that.

What's worse than someone's vacation pictures? Their concert pictures.

I've got a "Get out of jail free" card in my wallet. Just in case.

If you tell me you don't have an email I automatically assume you have no soul either.

Whenever someone rides their bike by me on the sidewalk I sigh-groan until there is absolutely no air left in my lungs.

If I had a cookie for every time I had a cookie I ate 30 cookies today.

Man in nice business casual outfit and cat ears: I salute you.

I wish people had turning signals and brake lights on their bodies.

The indie station on spotify might as well be called "stuff they play in Forever 21"

We're all just skeletons walking around with hair-dos.

Can you imagine living in a world where pop tarts have frosting on both sides?

The toilet still flushes even if the power goes out, right? asking for a friend.

That moment of complete terror when you take too big of a bite and think you're going to choke to death.

I didn't want Beyonce to have another baby, I wanted another album first. She's not thinking about my needs right now.

As good as it feels to completely freak out on somebody, it's far more satisfying to drive them up the fucking wall with politeness.

Living the dream!

And by that I mean everything is strange and confusing and stuff just sort of happens with little explanation.

My dog just turned the TV volume up to 80. Apparently she really likes Duck Dynasty.

Getting older means coming to terms with getting injured in the lamest ways possible.