Who needs a gun for home security? I just throw legos and lincoln logs all over the floor before I go to bed.

I just calculated the difference between a bottle every day and a therapist once a week. No wonder everyone fucking drinks.

My pussy needs to see a man about his tongue.

Feeling horny, so I'm off to go for a walk down the creepy trail by the river.

Signed in to twitter on my new phone to just check it out....and oh my god it is trying to link my contacts! ABORT! Fucking ABORT!

Teenage kid walking down the street with an eyepatch.
Me: Talk like a pirate day was yesterday.
Him: I had eye surgery.
Me:..
Him:..
Me: arr

Heard a sneeze is 1/8th of an orgasm. Got 8 lines of pepper laid out. I'll let you know how it goes.

I don't always lie. Well except just then. I was lying about that.

You know what's stupid? My heart.
You know what's even more stupid? That I still listen to it.

My life is the punk cover of an oldies song.

Let's go off our meds and be crazy together.

If my pussy were any wetter someone would be building an ark.

Without the wrong turns, I may not of made it to the right path.

I only buckle my seatbelt because it's the one warning light on my dashboard that I can make shut off.

The worst part of fucking a clown is him insisting you put your cream pie in his face after. Wait, there's no bad part of fucking a clown.

Being hated by a mother in law who was hated by her mother in law, is just the circle of wife.

My dentist says I'm an aggressive tooth brusher. That's not the only thing I aggressively do with my mouth.

Of course I'm fucking crazy around you. That's what love is, right.

I may not be my best with you, but I'm at my worst without you. That makes me strive to be better all the time.

Some people do things that are hard to forgive. That's where love and compassion comes into play. Some people have it, some never will.