I keep clicking "OK", and I'm not.

The great thing about being an inner child is that nobody reminds you how old you are.

New game show for the south: "Are you smarter than a refrigerator?"

It's never too late to have a good mid-life crisis. Or several.

I haven't thrown up a little all day. You guys are really slacking.

Having a girl that steals her own bling really saves a bundle on Valentine's Day.

I don't do inspirational tweets, only desperational.

It's a shame that tantrums don't work at this age anymore.

When the hotel maid left me 6 pillows on the bed, she was anticipating more action in here, than I'm actually getting.

Sex toys have the best chance of not being re-gifted.

I really don't mind that you're only fun-sized, that's the whole point, right?

I only come home so the cats have someone to lay on. Or so they think.

When the kids finally put me in nursing home, I'll play with myself in public just to share the same embarrassment that they did with me.

Who wants a baby due on 11/11/11? I'm in a generous mood. :)

I think that it's best if we play charades to discover what I need. In other words: Shut up.

Know that feeling when you're about to do something you'll regret in the morning? That.

You were the best trick that I never had, but paid for anyway.

Loyalty is often underrated.

It's always a good day to battle the self-righteous.

Too tired to give a fuck and too horny not to. These are the days of our lives.