When someone says "I dont drink", all I hear is " I'm the most boring person ever" and then I stop listening.

A real smart phone would delete my number out of your phone when I delete yours from mine.

Lol this guy thinks I'm entering his number in my phone.... but I'm tweeting you guys!

Fun fact: the quickest way to ruin your favorite song is to make it your alarm tone.

Want to be a ventriloquist? Put a guys dick in your ass and you can get make him say anything.

I think my car is shitty enough I can start putting stickers on it!

"Alright just be cool. Try not to act like a law breaker..." - Me everytime a cop is driving by.

Lesson learned: there's no sweet way to say "your dick is shaped funny :)"

While at the hotel last night there was a guy who was a complete asshole to me, this morning I saw his wife's front butt, now I feel better.

My daughter dressed herself today, so we wont be going out in public.

That cashier sure is a hunk! Im going to put this ice cream back and buy only batteries in his line with a little wink.

Remember when dresses were slightly longer but still cute, and when I bent over my gender didn't show? I want those back.

It looks like I need to lose 5 pounds by tonight if I plan on wearing something attractive.

I should write a book and call it: How to scare the men away. I will just document my entire dating history.

In hindsight, art school was probably something I should have kept as just an idea.

Whatever is making a weird noise on my car needs to just fall off already!

kid: Grandma's nice!
me: That was not the woman that raised me! That is an old woman trying to get into heaven!

Just saw a bunch of people I know in real life on twitter. I hope to God they don't find me.

It would be hella sweet if when you broke up with someone they completely erase their knowledge of you! We all have one of 'those' exes.

When someone comes out of the bathroom with a confused look on their face, they are trying to figure out when they at corn last. gross.