If money talks, mine would mostly say "goodbye."

Twitter is the ideal place for people who'll follow anything but their dreams.

Rupert Murdoch has joined Twitter and is now legally following people.

Dear media: There's nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

Weird how we don't mind a religious woman dressed head to toe in black robes, showing nothing but her face, when she's a nun, not a Muslim.

Rude to look down at phone when someone's talking to you, so I stare intently into their eyes and slowly bring the phone up to eye level.

So I guess in retrospect those hikers were pretty lucky to be convicted in Iran instead of the U.S. #TroyDavis

If you must speak your mind, make sure you have one.

Women bleed 7 days a month, and when they get a break, they end up pushing out a baby.
But yeah, I'm so impressed with your arm wrestling.

If someone falls down an endless well, at what point do they stop screaming and start wondering who the hell would build a bottomless well?

Welcome to Lebanon. The weather is currently 25 degrees Celsius, 35 next to a burning tire. Local time: 37 years ago. Enjoy your stay.

Men speak 2000 words per day, women speak 7000.
The extra 5000 words are mostly, "Are you even listening?" said over and over again.

Somewhere along the evolutionary road, technology took our place. Now we're dumber and fatter, and our machines are smarter and slimmer.

I'd go to the ends of the Earth for you. Earth is round. That means here. So that's settled.

Americans really suck at English. They think "there" is "their," "lose" is "loose," and "humanitarian intervention" is "kill them all."

Alien: "Take me to your leader." Human: "Sorry, banks are closed on Sundays."

The US Congress has categorised pizza as a vegetable. The rest of the world has categorised the US Congress as the same.

An apostrophe is a comma that's got weed.

Fun game: Remove the word "Oslo" in all breaking news tweets and replace it with "Baghdad" and note how it becomes invisible.

Dear Americans, as you celebrate your independence, please remember the countries that would like to celebrate theirs from you.