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I asked the 16 year old bagging my groceries why he pierced his tongue, he said "tho I cah expreth mythelf."
Anyone know how to get a wine stain off a baby?
I stay in shape by digging my own grave.
To all the students who dropped out of high school:
Remember two things...
1. You did your best.
2. I don't like onions on my Big Mac.
Kicking a man while he's down burns 150 calories.
I don't want to argue, but I can't let you walk around thinking you're right.
Sex is the best way to wake up unless your in prison.
I think the fact that you never hear about locksmith serial killers says a lot about the integrity of that profession.
I wish people were like money,so you could hold them up to the light to see who's real and who's fake..
If I see you in public, please just tweet me hello.
If you don't like repeating yourself over and over again. Being a parent may not be for you.
I cant wait to get home and pour myself some dinner!
Don't you hate it when you throw gasoline all over someone and then can't find your lighter?
After a lot of thought, I've decided that being an adult is not gonna work for me.
This is really starting to feel like a relationship.
If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store, I wanna get to know you better.
I'd much rather be a fuck up than a suck up.
Some people are better left in your rear view mirror.
Thank god no one really reads this shit.
Shut your mouth when you're talking to me.
mother, father, massage therapist, eternal optimist, fortune cookie writer, plantation owner, ♬♬♬ lover, former Sam's Club member, dealer of the arts.