I asked the 16 year old bagging my groceries why he pierced his tongue, he said "tho I cah expreth mythelf."

Anyone know how to get a wine stain off a baby?

I stay in shape by digging my own grave.

To all the students who dropped out of high school:
Remember two things...
1. You did your best.
2. I don't like onions on my Big Mac.

Kicking a man while he's down burns 150 calories.

I don't want to argue, but I can't let you walk around thinking you're right.

Sex is the best way to wake up unless your in prison.

I think the fact that you never hear about locksmith serial killers says a lot about the integrity of that profession.

I wish people were like money,so you could hold them up to the light to see who's real and who's fake..

If I see you in public, please just tweet me hello.

If you don't like repeating yourself over and over again. Being a parent may not be for you.

I cant wait to get home and pour myself some dinner!

Don't you hate it when you throw gasoline all over someone and then can't find your lighter?

After a lot of thought, I've decided that being an adult is not gonna work for me.

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This is really starting to feel like a relationship.

If you're using a shopping cart at the liquor store, I wanna get to know you better.

I'd much rather be a fuck up than a suck up.

Some people are better left in your rear view mirror.

Thank god no one really reads this shit.

Shut your mouth when you're talking to me.