I made a bi-yearly trip to Walmart today. The upside is that I'm now fluent in Spanish through immersion.

Ladies:

Step 1: Turn on the Victoria's Secret fashion show.

Step 2: Look like that.

Let me introduce the BILF: the Bitch I'd Like to Forget.

If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They'll thank you later.

Any guy who claims his name is "Mike Ockishugeandawesome" is probably not telling the truth.

❒ Single ❒ Taken ✔ Dead Inside

"But enough about me." - No one on Twitter. Ever.

Twitter Drama: Because I don't have enough problems in the real world, I need to make up some in imaginary land too.

You call it a "one night stand," I call it "catch and release."

My computer is frozen up. … and it looks like moving my mouse around in circles will not fix the problem.

Screw you guys. I don't like your tweets either.

On Twitter, every trophy is just a participation trophy.

The murder of children is the greatest evil on earth. God bless the dead.

Until presented with conclusive evidence to the contrary, I will work under the presumption that the world has ended and this is Hell.

Thanks for the trophy. [Witty comment.] (This is a practice tweet)

There is no Twitter, only Zuul.

I might care more about Twilight if Count Chocula was in it.

You can't spell "housewife" without "ho."
…and I can't spell "restaurant" without autocorrect.

You just know there's some guy out there named Wilson Phillips who gets enraged every time someone tells him to “hold on."

There is no way I'm actually an adult.