Anal sex: it's not for pussies.

Ladies, men are not responsible for the size of their dick.

But we are responsible for the size of our vaginas.

Keep it tight bitches.

I have two social skills and I keep them in my bra.

'Homophobia: the fear that gay men will treat you the way you treat women'

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the p is silent.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA YOU LAUGHED DON'T LIE.

I'm leaving now.

My ex is engaged.

If the world's smallest penis can find love, I can too.

How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb?


To get to the other side.

'Put that down you fat piece of shit' -the title of the dieting book I'm writing.

Roses are black,
Violets are black,
Everything is black.

-Stevie Wonder, age 4

Marriage is just like prison.

Except you get fucked more in prison

I take the 'the' out of psychotherapist.

Got fired from Barnes and Noble for putting all the Bibles in the fiction section.

The inside of tampon boxes should say CONGRATULATIONS YOU'RE NOT A MOTHER!

I organized a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows, but I had a great time.

A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and ready to take on the world.

Wait, no, that's vodka. Definitely
Vodka.

I imagine the best part about being married is leaving for work in the morning.

Saddam is dead. Osama is dead. Gadhafi is dead. It's almost like America is having it's season finale.

Our neighbors are so fucking loud and obnoxious.

Now I know how Canada feels.

Throat Yogurt is what I'm calling semen from now on.

If I had a penis, I'd hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings. And dream catchers. And fruit roll ups.