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Is it "blowjob" one word or "blow job" two words?
God I hate writing thank you cards.
Him: You hang up first.
I can't believe my hobby is reading funny sentences all fucking day.
I make sure I have sex with my husband once a week in case I get pregnant.
I am not telling anyone you said hi.
I'd like to get a fake baby bump, run in the Boston Marathon, come in last place & then start punching my stomach and say "It's your fault."
I'm willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say "Have a great McFuckin day" to people until I get fired.
Olive Garden waitress: Hi what brings y'all in today?
Me: We need new shoes. What the fuck do you think? Where's your manager?
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn't price an item & said "Here just take it I hate this fuckin place"
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, "The funeral will be this Friday"
I like to drink alone so I don't get pregnant.
I just said Beetlejuice 3 times and Winona Ryder appeared and ran off with my purse.
Now that my kid lost her first tooth she looks like a hobo and I don't want her anymore.
Sometimes it's fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
I lost 9lbs. My huz said he's gonna leave me if I gain it back. I got so excited that I almost choked on all the donuts I shoved in my mouth
If you're on a job interview & you get the feeling that it's not going well, just stand up abruptly & burp the words "never mind."
Tweeting is like opening a door to a room full of strangers and shouting stupid shit.
No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say "You're tired I should go."
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet.