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  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Is it "blowjob" one word or "blow job" two words?

    God I hate writing thank you cards.

    • 3,536
    • FAVS
    haydugjrjaybirdsworldereed33michaelpathIzzy4elKellyBawstonwritetrashjhaire6485
    • 2,334
    • RETWEETS
    writetrashStephenBCramerDusty_KnackersKeeshaaaa_PrettyBoy_DaveevonnyninkMonicaFalensky_AnndreaNuurse
    QwertyJones3chopper4jkJessObsessClearlyUnwellIGotsSmartsllvvzzbulls_horns______CVTBabyMyHairyLife______CaptainObtusej_luce3thatstingsmartycip
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Him: You hang up first.
    Me: *click

    • 2,456
    • FAVS
    luvmyADHDandreamflrbd1962nachoguzman92gmarie010ScarsFourEyesBigRim79GinGander
    • 1,795
    • RETWEETS
    Flo_to_the_OandreamflKayDollieBeeMogCharlieGinGanderbeltamaleJannabugits_trish
    13spencerHairyJew4LifeIGotsSmartsthetobbieVikeeysSecretMidgetsparemceejmattelgato_correctomundoiamyourguylarisasays5haelKKAlThaniManJuggsMaui_Speaks______OhNoSheTwitntSortaBad
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I can't believe my hobby is reading funny sentences all fucking day.

    • 2,266
    • FAVS
    SchusterJanetoripickleahatwearermonicasjungleandyfarrelsucksdraperdollfingerbangssupertweetjen
    • 1,161
    • RETWEETS
    69shadesoftaarSchusterJanefccKuurlowery98zinni426JSLauderdaleAash2804squabhouse
    shegotagronkGroperClevelandQwertyJones3llvvzzhipchkkElephart_correctomundosucittaMpartiallyprogingerfacedBlondiethegoodsuper_morgasmJermHimselfishBoucheDag2kMouthyMess________blue292NotJPoTwisty_Monster____
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I make sure I have sex with my husband once a week in case I get pregnant.

    • 1,994
    • FAVS
    duplicitronroygbiv45MomfiaWickedKatieMR_HALL79MattGjohnlanchesterMarkM1888
    • 627
    • RETWEETS
    AlieDApeacednmac27donttellkristiDanTrain12Omar_Gad_liberalcannonCrackedIllusionlisaandtots
    LectorCaveo______PeterJPappas_xLNcBlazedDonuts______ThedudishCarpentersCracktigersgoroooarCooperDoog________Clare_innitportajon__________Jazzerscissor____ChelseaK22GrizzGriffithstackie_jackie____bignas46
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I am not telling anyone you said hi.

    • 1,880
    • FAVS
    Ajay_thakur8jessjahnkeChristineOMFGsunahhh412Han_PantsReal_JPond627jshbckpunmagnate
    • 1,065
    • RETWEETS
    maximillian_HRBlunkChristineOMFGbendakkbethanie_mJojziiKayAPooleElleLebron
    trumpthechumpBlondiethegoodSwishergirl24prontopup
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I'd like to get a fake baby bump, run in the Boston Marathon, come in last place & then start punching my stomach and say "It's your fault."

    • 1,785
    • FAVS
    CelinafrommenaPaperWashokayjuliameleatsbrainshotforamishkaburgess1fightforfoodaShiverOfSharks
    • 550
    • RETWEETS
    kaburgess1goldengateblondfishy_smellsblosnazzy_HanBrolo_cox_cordellPJisBeastTnucTew
    MaryKoCoJosesLovesYouTheDairylandDonLectorCaveo______ManateeJackRockendengarth0fftylerdarrin______lonely_1968Kim_pulsiveNickYourAss__FredPollackCooperDoog________wheatnikdariennelakeGroperClevelandFSUSteveCarmel_ColemanMolly_KatslazerdoovCoatCzech
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I'm willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say "Have a great McFuckin day" to people until I get fired.

    • 1,643
    • FAVS
    YBGTIBGArreguy23okayjuliagi_de_elleLePierrehotforamishkaburgess1aShiverOfSharks
    • 840
    • RETWEETS
    YBGTIBGArreguy23kaburgess1goldengateblondbriiiiidgitmirandabenoittRealRenodGSateliteGravite
    HairyJew4LifeWonderMonkey78djr_102ashley_barnhillSchmoodles________NowAPiscesTraylorParkerskitzoetteJayePowGrowingUpScotty5hael
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Olive Garden waitress: Hi what brings y'all in today?

    Me: We need new shoes. What the fuck do you think? Where's your manager?

    • 1,631
    • FAVS
    CAKETENDO64menachedlooney_binTheReal_ZoMbiEMcInappropriateReeceButlerlmjayyyCarrcode
    • 565
    • RETWEETS
    CRStoliRachelMorganHGlynner85KevP62LawbsterSaidCyndi_R82jinkeestraitcashflow
    Cherhole__________nana_OohElKnuckelhombreWames_Jaters
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn't price an item & said "Here just take it I hate this fuckin place"

    • 1,592
    • FAVS
    13spencerCAKETENDO64b4sageKhrisWarholRachel2718jboo316sfreeze6Kryseyb
    • 617
    • RETWEETS
    OrrinPowell_KhrisWarholGentleJGLkatherinemill6CarlyTheMexicanvomitcityThe_Woollycmora209
    iamjeffsloanImFordToughpeachey_keentres_routesshatterpants______
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, "The funeral will be this Friday"

    • 1,415
    • FAVS
    mearmsmearmsalanmhancockKhrisWarholluvmyADHDKryseybalexfore11JSLauderdalelowkey_lutz
    • 340
    • RETWEETS
    luvmyADHDtonyvernacmora209JSLauderdalelowkey_lutztravistcreationWTF_KenHuajatollaChic
    ThedudishadamlucidipjlynchNorthside_MikeBradBroaddusRackOfSteel______Doom_JediDeanOkaybreeenin__________
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I like to drink alone so I don't get pregnant.

    • 1,324
    • FAVS
    scrircjcoops23LeviathanPridetehsuckelhammer23KennysDeadLJS4247RevelleAmy
    • 509
    • RETWEETS
    elhammer23KennysDeadRevelleAmyThee1_4UVictorSecreFantastiKellyRichHarris2cloudypianos
    CVTBabylawyerthoughtspreawsaurusJessObsesssquashguy15Mama_in_heels____buck4itt
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I just said Beetlejuice 3 times and Winona Ryder appeared and ran off with my purse.

    • 1,140
    • FAVS
    eshurneMcInappropriatePoguePhilosophy_balkedisregardbombsdemianthulefiligreegooseally2272
    • 350
    • RETWEETS
    ThisIsNotJFKStPendingSchmacieAdrianLazarteJluzapethewhitetyreePamelaLlosajuanitocbueno
    greenteam15DJhouseNigga______CockShittingtonrobfeewheatnikFinallyHeSleepsbulls_horns______
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Now that my kid lost her first tooth she looks like a hobo and I don't want her anymore.

    • 1,067
    • FAVS
    JoeyPositivityDanielaTayalaHeyitsLoriplfrederickScottBarrett_omgitstwitttermashkuwrizzzydc
    • 280
    • RETWEETS
    Daryll_MatthewStrode_LightMsMelissaAyalaBadfliksComedicIcemanhihaaychelseamcfSortaBad
    Jenny4ashleyTraylorParkerElwoodJamesMMissing_AElSeanimalMsCarlissima
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Sometimes it's fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

    • 1,039
    • FAVS
    Naked_SupermanKhrisWarholKryseybbennettfeelyAnother_WenchSamuraiJ11dad_divorcedNotTheGoat
    • 350
    • RETWEETS
    KhrisWarholdiggy_bmcmora209Another_WenchSamuraiJ11queenkaffreendad_divorcedNotTheGoat
    SoapyJohnsonMrTurst__________xeyednpainless____5hael
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I lost 9lbs. My huz said he's gonna leave me if I gain it back. I got so excited that I almost choked on all the donuts I shoved in my mouth

    • 947
    • FAVS
    KhrisWarholblingjaminErin_Lairdjaq_burkemeganlynn94r0bin_jmkierky1973travistcreation
    • 294
    • RETWEETS
    jacksaroo715joeydifrancoThe_Woollymoseletsanekierky1973kspinks4485LaineyEngelTheMichaelRock
    Blondiethegoodroadkill3xLMGinTNSeanINCypressGrumpyCommentsthatstingsarjunbasu
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    If you're on a job interview & you get the feeling that it's not going well, just stand up abruptly & burp the words "never mind."

    • 914
    • FAVS
    KhrisWarholillaidedAPat1202muerte_amorjaq_burketkcoltsfanJSLauderdalelowkey_lutz
    • 233
    • RETWEETS
    APat1202joeydifrancotkcoltsfanJSLauderdaleThatDangIndianPrezbyterlowkey_lutzMeglou1026
    jergarllarisasaysfullblowndaveOneLinersPlusBrad_Spitts
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Tweeting is like opening a door to a room full of strangers and shouting stupid shit.

    • 891
    • FAVS
    13spencer3d20cdf4756a4f4verdine01SugaarLips_xoAllieeee_29MiaSalibaSarahaber96gouravmalhotra
    • 628
    • RETWEETS
    LinellnellaGusRetiefvickyynickyKiaraChantayverdine01MaryamShaikh9ons_Taallara_h1D
    wesjohnson8Supersurlydetroit_et
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.

    • 863
    • FAVS
    SouthForWinter1MaggieMimsyScottKinmartinmadisonvepertsAyThirtySeven____Maria4TNTJasonHills01kenhincks
    • 288
    • RETWEETS
    itsjucylucyFarNorthFlirt__tunaskroodleJasonHills01PedroshugCbethricerikpaynemarcusdoesurmom
    AngreaCaseyMcCollum
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say "You're tired I should go."

    • 828
    • FAVS
    13spencerSanwal22monicasjunglegemcity_zefsideMomfiaUrvizillameganshpettitpangieevee
    • 442
    • RETWEETS
    74MILKSfishy_smellsAnnievpsjohnnyCuldoublewideartkratosfrostbiteMcInappropriatekevin_thies
    awesomeseankFSUStevetigersgoroooar
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet.

    • 799
    • FAVS
    meganshpettitpangieevee_breanneloveshanthrax138desponderaaronuplacrossemom5johnnyCul
    • 333
    • RETWEETS
    juuicy_kayjohnnyCuldoublewideartMcInappropriateGrumpyOldFart77DannilynnAKRussellTX82SarahCa90500165
    FattMernandezMorganJ7NowAPisces
@StellaRtwot

@StellaRtwot
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