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Is it "blowjob" one word or "blow job" two words?
God I hate writing thank you cards.
Him: You hang up first.
I can't believe my hobby is reading funny sentences all fucking day.
I make sure I have sex with my husband once a week in case I get pregnant.
I am not telling anyone you said hi.
I'd like to get a fake baby bump, run in the Boston Marathon, come in last place & then start punching my stomach and say "It's your fault."
I'm willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say "Have a great McFuckin day" to people until I get fired.
Olive Garden waitress: Hi what brings y'all in today?
Me: We need new shoes. What the fuck do you think? Where's your manager?
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn't price an item & said "Here just take it I hate this fuckin place"
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, "The funeral will be this Friday"
I like to drink alone so I don't get pregnant.
I just said Beetlejuice 3 times and Winona Ryder appeared and ran off with my purse.
Sometimes it's fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Now that my kid lost her first tooth she looks like a hobo and I don't want her anymore.
I lost 9lbs. My huz said he's gonna leave me if I gain it back. I got so excited that I almost choked on all the donuts I shoved in my mouth
If you're on a job interview & you get the feeling that it's not going well, just stand up abruptly & burp the words "never mind."
Tweeting is like opening a door to a room full of strangers and shouting stupid shit.
No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say "You're tired I should go."
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet.
I once drank a 12 pack of Stella Artois at a baby shower.