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  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Is it "blowjob" one word or "blow job" two words?

    God I hate writing thank you cards.

    • 3,542
    • FAVS
    SharpeBytesahoychoiDefinitiveDavidChancresaurusCindyBakesItMiciurahaydugjrjaybirdsworld
    • 2,336
    • RETWEETS
    DefinitiveDavidMiciurawritetrashStephenBCramerDusty_KnackersKeeshaaaa_PrettyBoy_Daveevonnynink
    QwertyJones3chopper4jkJessObsessClearlyUnwellIGotsSmartsllvvzzbulls_horns______CVTBabyMyHairyLife______CaptainObtusej_luce3thatstingsmartycip
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Him: You hang up first.
    Me: *click

    • 2,461
    • FAVS
    SharpeBytesDefinitiveDavidgmossiiChancresaurusExodus_1831luvmyADHDandreamflrbd1962
    • 1,800
    • RETWEETS
    the506mermaidDefinitiveDavidChancresaurusomgitsjpaxbrittney_huffFlo_to_the_OandreamflKayDollieBee
    13spencerHairyJew4LifeIGotsSmartsthetobbieVikeeysSecretMidgetsparemceejmattelgato_correctomundoiamyourguylarisasays5haelKKAlThaniManJuggsMaui_Speaks______OhNoSheTwitntSortaBad
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I can't believe my hobby is reading funny sentences all fucking day.

    • 2,267
    • FAVS
    DefinitiveDavidSchusterJanetoripickleahatwearermonicasjungleandyfarrelsucksdraperdollfingerbangs
    • 1,163
    • RETWEETS
    SharpeBytesDefinitiveDavid69shadesoftaarSchusterJanefccKuurlowery98zinni426JSLauderdale
    shegotagronkGroperClevelandQwertyJones3llvvzzhipchkkElephart_correctomundosucittaMpartiallyprogingerfacedBlondiethegoodsuper_morgasmJermHimselfishBoucheDag2kMouthyMess________blue292NotJPoTwisty_Monster____
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I make sure I have sex with my husband once a week in case I get pregnant.

    • 1,998
    • FAVS
    drow33CaseyWinehouseDefinitiveDavidChancresaurusduplicitronroygbiv45MomfiaWickedKatie
    • 629
    • RETWEETS
    cherrell_smithDefinitiveDavidAlieDApeacednmac27donttellkristiDanTrain12Omar_Gad_liberalcannon
    LectorCaveo______PeterJPappas_xLNcBlazedDonuts______ThedudishCarpentersCracktigersgoroooarCooperDoog________Clare_innitportajon__________Jazzerscissor____ChelseaK22GrizzGriffithstackie_jackie____bignas46
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I am not telling anyone you said hi.

    • 1,917
    • FAVS
    christyrczolofighterLevasseurTylerperhapssomedayLysergicAcid_thefostererjimhensonisdumbZainabeth
    • 1,083
    • RETWEETS
    NathanBugg1jimhensonisdumbMarkLandMarksMusicAndRumZainabethakalylael_n3grochrismerrill
    trumpthechumpBlondiethegoodSwishergirl24prontopup
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I'd like to get a fake baby bump, run in the Boston Marathon, come in last place & then start punching my stomach and say "It's your fault."

    • 1,785
    • FAVS
    CelinafrommenaPaperWashokayjuliameleatsbrainshotforamishkaburgess1fightforfoodaShiverOfSharks
    • 550
    • RETWEETS
    kaburgess1goldengateblondfishy_smellsblosnazzy_HanBrolo_cox_cordellPJisBeastTnucTew
    MaryKoCoJosesLovesYouTheDairylandDonLectorCaveo______ManateeJackRockendengarth0fftylerdarrin______lonely_1968Kim_pulsiveNickYourAss__FredPollackCooperDoog________wheatnikdariennelakeGroperClevelandFSUSteve__________Carmel_ColemanMolly_KatslazerdoovCoatCzech
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I'm willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say "Have a great McFuckin day" to people until I get fired.

    • 1,644
    • FAVS
    gmossiiYBGTIBGArreguy23okayjuliagi_de_elleLePierrehotforamishkaburgess1
    • 841
    • RETWEETS
    ChancresaurusYBGTIBGArreguy23kaburgess1goldengateblondbriiiiidgitmirandabenoittRealRenodG
    HairyJew4LifeWonderMonkey78djr_102ashley_barnhillSchmoodles________NowAPiscesTraylorParkerskitzoetteJayePowGrowingUpScotty5hael
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Olive Garden waitress: Hi what brings y'all in today?

    Me: We need new shoes. What the fuck do you think? Where's your manager?

    • 1,631
    • FAVS
    CAKETENDO64menachedlooney_binTheReal_ZoMbiEMcInappropriateReeceButlerlmjayyyCarrcode
    • 565
    • RETWEETS
    CRStoliRachelMorganHGlynner85KevP62LawbsterSaidCyndi_R82jinkeestraitcashflow
    Cherhole__________nana_OohElKnuckelhombreWames_Jaters
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn't price an item & said "Here just take it I hate this fuckin place"

    • 1,596
    • FAVS
    nzthewordDefinitiveDavidChancresaurusMiciura13spencerCAKETENDO64b4sageKhrisWarhol
    • 619
    • RETWEETS
    nzthewordDefinitiveDavidOrrinPowell_KhrisWarholGentleJGLkatherinemill6CarlyTheMexicanvomitcity
    iamjeffsloanImFordToughpeachey_keentres_routesshatterpants______
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, "The funeral will be this Friday"

    • 1,416
    • FAVS
    ChancresaurusmearmsmearmsalanmhancockKhrisWarholluvmyADHDKryseybalexfore11JSLauderdale
    • 341
    • RETWEETS
    ChancresaurusluvmyADHDtonyvernacmora209JSLauderdalelowkey_lutztravistcreationWTF_Ken
    ThedudishadamlucidipjlynchNorthside_MikeBradBroaddusRackOfSteel______Doom_JediDeanOkaybreeenin__________
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I like to drink alone so I don't get pregnant.

    • 1,328
    • FAVS
    Big_Dawg___curiousbangsCoLiN69JDefinitiveDavidscrircjcoops23LeviathanPridetehsuck
    • 510
    • RETWEETS
    DefinitiveDavidelhammer23KennysDeadRevelleAmyThee1_4UVictorSecreFantastiKellyRichHarris2
    CVTBabylawyerthoughtspreawsaurusJessObsesssquashguy15Mama_in_heels____buck4itt
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I just said Beetlejuice 3 times and Winona Ryder appeared and ran off with my purse.

    • 1,143
    • FAVS
    BoscoPorterDefinitiveDavidMiciuraeshurneMcInappropriatePoguePhilosophy_balkedisregardbombs
    • 351
    • RETWEETS
    DefinitiveDavidThisIsNotJFKStPendingSchmacieAdrianLazarteJluzapethewhitetyreePamelaLlosa
    greenteam15DJhouseNigga______CockShittingtonrobfeewheatnikFinallyHeSleepsbulls_horns______
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Now that my kid lost her first tooth she looks like a hobo and I don't want her anymore.

    • 1,067
    • FAVS
    JoeyPositivityDanielaTayalaHeyitsLoriplfrederickScottBarrett_omgitstwitttermashkuwrizzzydc
    • 280
    • RETWEETS
    Daryll_MatthewStrode_LightMsMelissaAyalaBadfliksComedicIcemanhihaaychelseamcfSortaBad
    Jenny4ashleyTraylorParkerElwoodJamesMMissing_AElSeanimalMsCarlissima
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Sometimes it's fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

    • 1,039
    • FAVS
    Naked_SupermanKhrisWarholKryseybbennettfeelyAnother_WenchSamuraiJ11dad_divorcedNotTheGoat
    • 350
    • RETWEETS
    KhrisWarholdiggy_bmcmora209Another_WenchSamuraiJ11queenkaffreendad_divorcedNotTheGoat
    SoapyJohnsonMrTurst__________xeyednpainless____5hael
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I lost 9lbs. My huz said he's gonna leave me if I gain it back. I got so excited that I almost choked on all the donuts I shoved in my mouth

    • 947
    • FAVS
    KhrisWarholblingjaminErin_Lairdjaq_burkemeganlynn94r0bin_jmkierky1973travistcreation
    • 294
    • RETWEETS
    jacksaroo715joeydifrancoThe_Woollymoseletsanekierky1973kspinks4485LaineyEngelTheMichaelRock
    Blondiethegoodroadkill3xLMGinTNSeanINCypressGrumpyCommentsthatstingsarjunbasu
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    If you're on a job interview & you get the feeling that it's not going well, just stand up abruptly & burp the words "never mind."

    • 915
    • FAVS
    MiciuraKhrisWarholillaidedAPat1202muerte_amorjaq_burketkcoltsfanJSLauderdale
    • 233
    • RETWEETS
    APat1202joeydifrancotkcoltsfanJSLauderdaleThatDangIndianPrezbyterlowkey_lutzMeglou1026
    jergarllarisasaysfullblowndaveOneLinersPlusBrad_Spitts
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    Tweeting is like opening a door to a room full of strangers and shouting stupid shit.

    • 892
    • FAVS
    Miciura13spencer3d20cdf4756a4f4verdine01SugaarLips_xoAllieeee_29MiaSalibaSarahaber96
    • 628
    • RETWEETS
    LinellnellaGusRetiefvickyynickyKiaraChantayverdine01MaryamShaikh9ons_Taallara_h1D
    wesjohnson8Supersurlydetroit_et
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.

    • 866
    • FAVS
    TheSuzieHunterDefinitiveDavidSouthForWinter1MaggieMimsyScottKinmartinmadisonvepertsAyThirtySeven____Maria4TNT
    • 289
    • RETWEETS
    DefinitiveDaviditsjucylucyFarNorthFlirt____tunaskroodleJasonHills01PedroshugCbethricerikpayne
    AngreaCaseyMcCollum
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I like to yawn in front of people so they yawn and then I can say "You're tired I should go."

    • 830
    • FAVS
    TheSuzieHunterDefinitiveDavid13spencerSanwal22monicasjunglegemcity_zefsideMomfiaUrvizilla
    • 443
    • RETWEETS
    DefinitiveDavid74MILKSfishy_smellsAnnievpsjohnnyCuldoublewideartkratosfrostbiteMcInappropriate
    awesomeseankFSUSteve__________tigersgoroooar
  • StellaRtwot
      Denise! @StellaRtwot

    I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet.

    • 799
    • FAVS
    meganshpettitpangieevee_breanneloveshanthrax138desponderaaronuplacrossemom5johnnyCul
    • 333
    • RETWEETS
    juuicy_kayjohnnyCuldoublewideartMcInappropriateGrumpyOldFart77DannilynnAKRussellTX82SarahCa90500165
    FattMernandezMorganJ7NowAPisces
@StellaRtwot

@StellaRtwot
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