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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you're doing it.
@flyoverjoel thanks Joel!!! Please make sure there's cheese at your house Saturday:)
People who don't eat a slice of cheese every time they open their fridge are probably going straight to hell.
@sortabad here is a pic of us but I cropped out your stupid face pic.twitter.com/0vZqyk8FZF
Last night i found out that there is no difference between a zebra and a giraffe when I'm drunk.
When I get a divorce I'm just gonna tell guys my c-section scar is from a knife fight.
When you put your baby on your shoulders and just hold its legs everyone knows that you want a baby with sick ass abs.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said "I'd rather be tweeting." It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.
Sometimes when I get lonely I lie on Facebook and tell everyone to text me cuz I lost my phone.
If you want to summon a dead Italian you have to use a Luigi Board.
Hahahaha!!!
Delete my account?
As soon as my husband starts his car I jump back in bed. I once drank a 12 pack of Stellartois at a baby shower.
