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Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you're doing it.
People who don't eat a slice of cheese every time they open their fridge are probably going straight to hell.
I'll go to your baby's baptism if we can throw holy water balloons at its head.
Last night i found out that there is no difference between a zebra and a giraffe when I'm drunk.
titterw si a igb uckingf astew fo imet.
Decode that message and win life!
Kelly was born
Kelly is born
Kelly Jason Bourne
When I get a divorce I'm just gonna tell guys my c-section scar is from a knife fight.
When you put your baby on your shoulders and just hold its legs everyone knows that you want a baby with sick ass abs.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said "I'd rather be tweeting." It was on a car that was flipped upside down in a ditch.
Sometimes when I get lonely I lie on Facebook and tell everyone to text me cuz I lost my phone.
If you want to summon a dead Italian you have to use a Luigi Board.
Delete my account?
I would tuck you guys into bed so fucking hard right now.
As soon as my husband starts his car I jump back in bed. I once drank a 12 pack of Stellartois at a baby shower.