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Memphis is the man you'd leave if the sex wasn't so weird.
I have to try to be as strong as Beyoncé to get through this Beyoncé documentary.
Quit following me on Spotify; I don't share anything. I've listened to "It Never Rains in Southern California" 3 times today. Are you happy?
GUYS, JUST BECAUSE TOPANGA WAS KIND OF CHUBBY DOESN'T MEAN SHE WAS A STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER.
Don't worry, everyone knows you're the one white person listening to rap music the right way.
Great news, gang: my uncle Dan is sending along some of his old hippie shirts because he heard I'm "kinda different than most people."
Don't mind me, I'm just googling my friends' hometowns so I know who to resent for growing up in places you could buy music or have dreams.
Guys, remember how we used to have winter in Chicago 2+ years ago? Just get out the clothes you wore then & calm the fuck down.
To everyone who told me I'd love Friday Night Lights despite not liking football: THANK YOU FOR REVEALING YOURSELVES AS MY SWORN ENEMIES.
At a noon screening of Monsters University, a man told the woman who will soon break his heart, "I love you. I'm so happy we're doing this."
IT'S SO DIFFICULT TO BE A PERSON.
My boobs hurt. Please RT.
I'd like to thank white privilege and high school calculus for my comfort around that police dog on the subway tonight.
I can't believe anyone who's jizzed in my mouth believed that I was cool with just being friends. I've got swampland in my puss to sell you.
Riding the bus home with audience members after a show is a fun way to let them know that, "Yes, all those jokes are true."
Memphis has the cutest recovering heroin addicts, ex-husbands & bears. I miss it already. #memphisting
My dad called to make sure I wasn't quitting comedy to pursue IT. That's not a joke; just thought you should all know what love sounds like.
Just took my bush down from "single mom in night school" to "heterosexual women's studies major." #TGIF
I thrive in that space between "I will MAKE you like me!" & "Why the fuck do you like me? Are you lying? Something's wrong with you, right?"
Once, I roasted a chicken for my boyfriend. It made me cry. We don't date anymore. See also: @ShineBoxComedy & @ComedySecrets.