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I have to try to be as strong as Beyoncé to get through this Beyoncé documentary.
GUYS, JUST BECAUSE TOPANGA WAS KIND OF CHUBBY DOESN'T MEAN SHE WAS A STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER.
Guys, remember how we used to have winter in Chicago 2+ years ago? Just get out the clothes you wore then & calm the fuck down.
My boobs hurt. Please RT.
I can't believe anyone who's jizzed in my mouth believed that I was cool with just being friends. I've got swampland in my puss to sell you.
Riding the bus home with audience members after a show is a fun way to let them know that, "Yes, all those jokes are true."
Memphis has the cutest recovering heroin addicts, ex-husbands & bears. I miss it already. #memphisting
Just took my bush down from "single mom in night school" to "heterosexual women's studies major." #TGIF
I thrive in that space between "I will MAKE you like me!" & "Why the fuck do you like me? Are you lying? Something's wrong with you, right?"
I have to get up early tomorrow, so I came home to "scotch myself to sleep." Four fingers later, I remembered that's not a thing.
Accidentally sang along to the Counting Crows blasting on my iPod in front of the guys at the skate park. Now I'm pregnant :(
Lounging around the house in cutoffs & a t-shirt from a prison my dad used to work at because no one can sexy you until you sexy yourself.
I'd like to thank white privilege and high school calculus for my comfort around that police dog on the subway tonight.
Wait, am I attracted to John Goodman?
Do you think Ed Kowalczyk ever cuts himself to feel like he's still in Live?
Oh shit, I just remembered that comedy is stupid.
I wouldn't let a guy come home with me the other night because I questioned his artistic integrity, so yes, I am using my theatre degree.
Once, I roasted a chicken for my boyfriend. It made me cry. We don't date anymore. See also: @ShineBoxComedy & @ComedySecrets.