Your followers take time out of their lives to read your thoughts. To share in your life. To be followed is an honor. Respect it.

If Twitter has proved ANYTHING, it's that the love of your life is someone you've never actually met.

When my kids say they're hungry, I kiss them, hug them, and remind them that they ate my dreams and that's why mommy's a drunk.

Holy crap, look at the time. I'd better start doing something with my life.

My mother is not even on Twitter and I've already blocked her.

If my head is slowly tilting to the left when you're talking to me, it means I'm about to attack.

I keep looking down my shirt at my boobs. It's no wonder guys love these things. They're fucking awesome.

Can you imagine how many people would die if we woke up to a world where all the coffee disappeared? Best disaster movie idea EVER.

Never lick the lid of your yogurt in front of a sexually deprived male coworker. Just trust me on this.

It's awesome if someone finds you attractive, but if they don't love your mind, who you really are, how you think, there is nothing.

I got a Mother's Day card that says "Do whatever makes YOU happy today!" so I burned my house down and I'm on my way to the airport.

The reason Favstar is down is because the 14yr old kid who created it got caught with porn and his mom took his computer away.

I seriously need 70's bush to come back into fashion. I've got too much shit to deal with already.

We should all have sex with each other and just get this over with.

My daughter asked if she could have a Twitter account, so I gave her a big hug and threw her phone in the toilet.

Mom lands at 4. Back to my house by 5. She rearranges the beer drawer in my fridge because "that's where veggies go" by 6. She's dead by 7.

I keep a jar of severed thumbs on my desk, and anytime a coworker does something good, I throw one at their head & yell "Thumbs up, buddy!"

I can't wait to go home, get drunk and obsess about all the things I can't change.

So when my boss said "Take the bull by the horns!", jumping on the back of the fat chick that works in accounting wasn't what he meant.

When life hands me lemons I get drunk and burn down my neighbor's house because fuck his stupid garden gnome.