I'll act my age when I'm dead.

Those of you that think that "My Own Prison" is a song about Twitter, raise your shackled hand.

Your food for thought is tasteless.

Pro Tip: Give some effort but not too much, try to be funny but not too funny, act like you don't care but spend 18 hours a day on Twitter.

Nana's hugs are just like being wrapped inside a gin soaked tobacco plant that's been dragged through all the urinals in Yankee stadium.

My dog's idea of a party is eating Cheeto crumbs out of a fat guy's cleavage.

Communist poetry doesn't rhyme.

I have a company vehicle to use but it has manual windows, this is something an asshole would complain about.

If you lose your memory it's not a bad thing as long as you lose all of your memory.

65% of my tweets are untruthful, 35% of my tweets are exaggerated, the remaining tweets are honest and heartfelt.

Stupidity is not an exact science.

My sister called me crying that she was fired after 19 years with the same company, I could sympathize, I ran out of beer on Tuesday.

My favorite Chinese food is calico chow mein.

The New England Patriots cut a player for having diabetes, another reason to hate the fuckers.

I was drunk and wanted to compliment my mother in law so I told her that I didn't want to run her over with my car because I just waxed it

I think storm chasers need to get closer to the storm, they need to be in the storm, right in the fucking middle.

It smells like curry in here, I think I died and went to 7/11.

Kids think they have it tough these days, they should try getting through a day of school wearing plaid bell bottoms.

My greatest disappointment in life is to be determined.

Hope for Humanity R.I.P.