Is there an app that blocks jokes about there being an app for that?

Daughter: Look! A falling star! Son: Wow! No, wait, it's Jay Leno! Father: Settle down, children. You're both right.

Having your own Twitter page as your website link on your Twitter profile page is the new 'how do you keep an idiot busy?' joke.

Anyone that says "You can't force genius" has obviously never tried pushing Stephen Hawkins down the stairs. It's super easy.

Times like these I wish I could wear a cape in public. By "times like these" I'm referring to every moment of my boring cape-less existence.

Just got my new RT function. I can't wait to never use it.

Pencil sharpeners are the teases of the office supply world. No mater what, you can only put in just the tip.

I'm selling my electric razor and buying a goat. You know, going green.

You know, you'd think Jersey wouldn't smell so bad with all that Axe Body Spray in the air.

Microsoft Word just closed down; mid-paragraph, after I bumped it a little. I didn't realize I was working on a fancy Etch-A-Sketch.

I think moths never come back from the dead because they just can't resist going toward the light.

I like my women like my coffee. Naked, some chocolate syrup...Also, I stopped talking about coffee about 11 words ago... NAILED IT!!!

Actually, I don't sleep 10-12 hours a night because I'm lazy. I just like increasing the odds of being asleep when I die. Also, I'm lazy.

I feel like we just bullied the moon out of it's lunch money.

I saw a hipster earlier who was wearing a huge gold chain like an old school rapper, but it was the skinny jeans that made him look phat.

I predict that Danny Glover will die on the toilet. Turns out he will actually be too old for that shit. #ClassyJokes

When health care reforms, I hope it takes the shape of pegasus-bears. Because those aren't a thing. Yet.

It just would not feel like nine days before Thanksgiving without all these Christmas decorations.

If I were a wrestler, I'd call myself The Masked Stereo. Also, I'd be really upset about how my life turned out.

I hate how hard it is to type text messages on this tiny phone. I'm just gonna zip up and use my fingers.