In another universe a balding, slight 40-something named Kurt Cobain walks offstage with his Oscar for scoring The MySpace Movie. #Oscars

An optimist sees the glass as half-full. A hipster knew about the glass before you did and doesn't think it's cool anymore.

Every time a CNN anchor says, "how Hollywood celebrities are reacting to the case," Satan lets William Randolph Hearst have some pudding.

Apple products were a route to learning about who our autistic son is. I once emailed Steve Jobs our thanks. Steve wrote back. That's class.

"Johnny Deep" is a trending topic. Everyone is either misspelling "Johnny Depp" or some gay porn star is having the best day of his life.

One day nursing homes will be full of ex-Juggalos trying to remember what their tattoos mean.

SNL can make up with Tim & Eric for ripping off their "Tiny Hats" gag by letting T & E host the show. And write it. #tinyhatswar

How Twitter works: you think it's a random, dumb throway joke=50 stars, 400 RTs. Craft a joke that makes you laugh till you cry=one star.

"Coretta, have we run out of coffee?" ~ Martin Luther King #lesserknownMLKquotes

[Serious] If a loved one is suicidal or you are, please know there is help: Nat'l Suicide Prevention Lifeline- 1-800-273-8255 [/Serious]

Those people in Tahrir Square need to shut up or we'll never hear Slash's guitar solo. #Egypt

No one seems to think standing by the jams & jellies aisle in the grocery and yelling "THIS IS MY JAM" really loud is funny at 12:10 a.m.

I hate it when you have to wake up in the morning and do things and be and stuff.

If you look around in the near future & realize the #Occupy movement has become more radical, thank authorities like the Oakland PD. #ows

I am so over this "ooh, let's all get up and do stuff and wear clothes" bullshit.

Wilford Brimley looks up, mustache damp with butter. Paula smiles at him across the room. He smiles back. The world begins to shimmer.

I still live in the South because I've never lost my hankering for sitting around in the summer and sticking to things.

I've found the solution to the Red Bull crash. NEVER STOP DRINKING RED BULL NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU BLEED FROM EVERYWHERE.

God finally watched a Madea film. || RT @ajc: BREAKING NEWS: Tyler Perry Studios on fire.

My avatar was drawn by my autistic son, Dylan. Autistic kids can seem very remote, but look at that smiley guy. That's my boy on the inside.