I feel sorry for all my followers. I follow me and I know it leads to no good

If liking cheap wine is wrong then ill be too drunk to care.

Am I the only person that thinks Perry the platypus is a better pick for president than Rick Perry?

Setting two wake up alarms four minutes apart is the present me trying to make the future me hate me

I hate waking up on Sundays already pissed off thinking about having to go to work on Monday

Eric Cartman is Dick cheney in cartoon form

No more schweddy balls ice cream...thanks group of moms with a stick up there asses

Just had to explain to my wife that the Vulcan death grip is fake...swear to god!

Just about two glasses away from losing my professionalism and tact for the day

Homework or pot? Well if I do my homework now, I can smoke more later. I always plan ahead

@dcdebbie I support #OccupyWallStreet because I'm tired of corporations being catered to over people!

And pot. Thou shalt not forget the weed

I'm so stoned, I just tried to smoke my incense when I lit it

Pretty sure I owe myself a glass of wine for getting out of bed today

Dear god, I don't believe in you but if I could possibly come across some Bacon flavored pot I'm willing to try an imagine you again.

My dog's toy is so soggy it left a wet spot on my wife's cheek when I threw it at her...mine too

I love my wife enough to let her wear my Social D shirt...she just doesn't appreciate it enough

I love my wife but I fear for my well being

I wonder how much $ it would take the dog whisperer to tsst the tea party into their proper place

Wish I could bottle the smell of my dogs ass. The mere threat of it being unleashed would unite the world.