Chloe Kardasian looks like she'd be sticky

I masturbated at work today to tastefully promote masculine chafing awareness

Situational awareness is knowing that my masterbating causes hysterical blindness

Being a goth when its 100° must be exhausting. #SSMF

I'm the opposite of a party promoter. I go around telling people when a party is probably going to suck.

If YouTube banned cat videos, THEN you'd see riots.

I'm caught in a love triangle between tater tots & french fries.

American Idol hasn't made a single idol.

I go to Whole Foods just to watch young LA parents chase after brats while yelling "no Juniper!" or "get back here Hagen!"

FYI The Sturdy Station in the men's Burbank Airport bathroom doesn't support a full grown male.

BREAKING: The Mars Curiosity probe just discovered one of Romney's bank accounts

In lieu of wedding gifts, Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger have requested that everyone stop laughing uncontrollably.

I'm the Chinese Democracy of responding to jury duty

Guy with cardboard sign on the 101 offramp is dressed nicer then me.

I drink responsibly alot

My auto shop teacher and I have vastly different interpretations for the term Finger Tight

Each purchase of a Bluetooth headset and thumb-ring includes Glendale, Ca

If hell was open 4 days a week it would be called the Van Nuys DMV

I'm not gay but I'd drive thru Benicio Del Taco

Never been arrested but if I was I'd want Officer Cop A Feel and Detective Reach-a-Round