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Our swinging neighbors are always asking me and my wife if we want to swap partners.
I really regret buying the house next to my parents.
I don't know why my psychiatrist is so concerned about me. At least I don't own a bunch of inkblots that look like a dead girl's vagina.
My sister smoked while she was pregnant. That's why our kid has birth defects.
The only time I want the carpet to match the drapes is when I'm dating a bald headed girl.
When camping, always bring Benadryl in case you're attacked by bees. Also bring tough actin Tinactin in case you’re attacked by John Madden.
When your house is burning, firemen apparently don't like it when you frantically yell 'My baby!' in reference to your porn collection.
Facebook is girls I wanted to have sex with in high school. Twitter is girls I want to have sex with now, and so is Facebook.
I dreamed that a bunch of dead bodies in my freezer suddenly came to life. I was so relieved when I woke up and found they were still dead.
The lady at KFC asked if I needed any condiments. I told her that I didn't wear one when I have sex with my fried chicken.
If life gives you AIDS, then please don't bleed on my lemons.
After my jokes, the sound of a cricket chirping isn't nearly as sad as the sound of constant clicking to refresh my Favstar page.
If diabetes, heart attack, or stroke runs in your family, chances are nobody runs in your family.
I hate stereotypes. I am from the South and yet I can honestly say that I have never had sex with my sister.
But, god knows, I've tried.
I like to pretend the riots in London were caused by somebody finding the last Wonka golden ticket.
The irony of Wal-Mart is that they have a ‘20 item or less’ checkout aisle, yet no one in the store can actually count that high.
I've noticed a lot of people on Twitter talking about putting cats in the microwave.
I never knew homemade Chinese food was so popular.
The only way I could spice up my sex life is if I jerked off with hot sauce.
You can't even imagine my disappointment when I found out that a 'gravy train with biscuit wheels' isn't a literal thing.
The most dangerous thing about removing the batteries from a smoke detector is the chance that they won't work in my remote control either.
I use their towels, lay on their sheets, & sit on their toilet, but if I find one hair on the wall of a hotel shower, I freak the fuck out.
Self-proclaimed SkeeBall champion. These tweets have not been evaluated by the FDA for safety, effectiveness, or purity.