Giving a fuck of any kind can be exhausting.

Not to brag but the shit I just took is so bad, it's actually morally offensive.

I once bought lower quality knock-offs in Chinatown before, so I totally know what it's like to have an Android phone.

If the rapture were real and it happened, the earth would finally be a utopia since most of the people left here would be the awesome ones.

"What the...Fuck! What am I supposed to do with myself now?!" - everyone on Twitter an hour ago

Gavin, when you go home drunk at 4 AM talking trash to people, you have to follow through. With every word you say. Then you take a beating.

If by camping you mean staying at hotels that have less than 4 stars, then yes, I go camping sometimes.

I've been told twice today that I'm handsome, but one woman was unattractive and the other was old, so I'm pretty sure it doesn't count.

If the first thing you think of when you see the letters BBC is British Broadcasting Corporation, then you're not a filthy pervert like me.

If I avoid your handshake, I'm not trying to be rude. I just don't want to go near your dick-beaters, because you know, they're dick-beaters

The most interesting moments of my adult life have been spent looking at my phone.

It's weird how some people hold their portable Twitter devices up to their ears and talk to it. Freaks.

Thanks for being either married, in a different state, or a lesbian, everyone who's ever been perfect for me.

Relationships are simple, really. Treat her like your queen outside the bedroom, like your dirty whore in the bedroom.

You're welcome.

Ladies, if you want to keep a man happy, keep his stomach full and his balls empty.

It would be great to have interesting conversations with people more often. But, you know, people.

Never do I think about food more than when I try not to think about food.

I have the same luck as the Boston Red Sox from 1919 to 2003. So only 45 years until finally I catch a break.

Giving up all hope and joy looks like driving a minivan.

If I've learned anything from Twitter, it's that celebrities aren't very interesting people sometimes, or ever.