I tried jogging with no bra. It worked! I got a ride in less than a minute.

Forget the G-spot guys. The ladies here are just as thrilled if you can find the Fav and RT buttons.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

When I eat a banana in public, I always put one hand behind my head.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

Had a very confident breakdown today. Wasn't nervous at all.

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

Party like no one invited you.

I practice bitchcraft.

My 12 step program involves parking closer to the liquor store door.

Got stuck in an elevator today with 3 women. We eventually experimented.

I’m glad they have those “Confirm Your Age” buttons on porn sites to keep the children out.

I was told that people can die from anything. To be safe, I’m not doing anything anymore.

Torn between tweeting, starring, retweeting or getting a life.

My GPS is useless. It has a male voice and I always disagree with his stupid ideas.

Some guys don’t know when to quit. Others don’t know when to start.

I've always wanted a penis but it would have to be detachable so I could still get free stuff when i need it.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

My jeans are so tight you can see my tattoo.

When I’m pulling carcass bones out of homemade soup, I feel like I’m solving a cold case.