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The great thing about being married is that I don't have to take my socks off during sex in the winter.
Because we don't have any.
For two nights I've been eating the same popcorn shrimp dinner from the Asian restaurant at the mall. I swear it's multiplying.
"I'm not mad, but I'm gonna bring it up when I'm drunk."
"Style" is the most enjoyable track on Taylor Swift's 1989.
I just washed down my sleeping pill with an energy drink. Let the battle begin.
'Swing by anytime.'- Me, to no one. Ever.
If you wonder what dating me is like, imagine taking a squirrel that's amped up on Red Bull to a nut farm.
I never make the same mistake twice.
The fun ones...
And the cute ones...
And the drunk ones...
I want to fall asleep inside your poems.
beautiful thing about some people,
simply imposible not to love them.
I start typing cutiepie and it autocorrects to cutiepants like I'm some kind of monster.
I've seen an abnormal amount of guy selfies lately, are your periods syncing?
I could live up to my potential, but I'm afraid of heights.
Emails are the worst of all mail species.
Not to be overly dramatic, but everything is horrible all of the time.
All women are now simultaneously crumbling up their chip bags ... & thinking... *AndTheieStupidFuckingWings* ;p
Fungry: the state of being f*cking hungry.
I bet most spiders are good dancers.
Victoria's REAL secret: men rather you just be naked.
vs models make me want to grow another 12 inches