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Go home winter, you're drunk!
Does the sperm bank pay by the pint or by the pound?
People that manually RT masturbate wearing Playtex gloves.
It’s okay that my wife pretends to orgasm.
I’m always pretending to get her vagina confused with her anus.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
The first time I French kissed a girl, she jammed her tongue into my mouth & spun it like an airplane propeller; it's amazing I tried again.
i want something intense
The only flaw with a standard keyboard is the "B" and "N" are side by side
Explaining my "Bigger isn't always better" email is gonna be fun
I think I just did something wrong for my entire life.
You call it a cry for help, I call it the reason for a ball gag.
My life is a constant battle between logic and love....
Just when you think the really bad day can not possibly get any worse the greeter at Walmart doesn't even say hello
It's every girl's dream to enter a lifelong relationship with her true love when her daddy walks her down the aisle.
The cheese aisle.
I'm at a loss. Four words.
She said she liked jokes, so I showed her my life.
Dating is bullshit you guys.
Every time I post a vacation pic on Facebook you can hear my credit card crying in the distance.
"Welcome to Cape Cod, Captain Jones. How was your voyage?"
"Ugh. Five months at sea with 150 Brits. More like The Mehflower."
My signature move is curling my toes to make it seem like my feet stink less.
Having a house full of kids doesn't mean you love them. It just shows you know how to get fucked.
if you can't get someone off your genitals, maybe they're supposed to be there.