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In a shocking season finale twist…I just learned Greys Anatomy was still on the air.
The problem with stupid people is they think they’re smart.
To lose weight & get in shape you have to starve & exercise all the damn time…apparently.
I just decided— I'm going to start using the word “bloke” in everyday conversation.
College was basically exactly what I expected. Everyone told me that I didn’t need it because I already knew everything.
If I wake up dead tomorrow, Rick did it
Trader Joe's sells frozen pizza with broccolli on it, but I'm the one who bought it and cooked it; I'm complicit in this.
All I'm gonna say is now I know why they call it the Dirty South
I know summer is right around the corner when I see the first pair of salmon shorts of the year
I want whatever isn't on the menu
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it listen to country music.
After having their baby, some women are known to eat the placenta.
I heard It tastes much better chilled than at womb temperature.
It's confusing at home. I pee, the toilet doesn't auto-flush. I wave my hands, the lights don't come on. I may spend too much time at work
I make cute babies ask me how 😎
When you retire nothing changes You just think you know everything and have more time to tweet it.
Try to borrow money on the first date otherwise what's the sense of it.
I'm trying this new thing where instead of buying vegetables and letting them go bad I make a salad right away and let the salad go bad.
I judge people based on their favorite vegetables
A good sex rule: you don't need to be dating, but you do need to be willing to go on a road trip with them to find their biological mother
A doctor removed my bio. http://t.co/rusIiS0gTO
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