I tried jogging with no bra. It worked! I got a ride in less than a minute.

Forget the G-spot guys. The ladies here are just as thrilled if you can find the Fav and RT buttons.

When I eat a banana in public, I always put one hand behind my head.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Had a very confident breakdown today. Wasn't nervous at all.

Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

I practice bitchcraft.

My 12 step program involves parking closer to the liquor store door.

Got stuck in an elevator today with 3 women. We eventually experimented.

Party like no one invited you.

I’m glad they have those “Confirm Your Age” buttons on porn sites to keep the children out.

My GPS is useless. It has a male voice and I always disagree with his stupid ideas.

I was told that people can die from anything. To be safe, I’m not doing anything anymore.

Torn between tweeting, starring, retweeting or getting a life.

Some guys don’t know when to quit. Others don’t know when to start.

I've always wanted a penis but it would have to be detachable so I could still get free stuff when i need it.

My jeans are so tight you can see my tattoo.

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

When I’m pulling carcass bones out of homemade soup, I feel like I’m solving a cold case.